Confessions.19

Hamad left but his scent was still lingering in the office. The minute he stepped out, Rayan let out a deep breath. She knew that this feeling was mutual, it was written all over Hamad's face. And the way he smiles at her made her feel like she was the luckiest woman on earth.

 

Rayan left the office with her driver since her dad said that he would be working late, she entered the house and was greeted by Annie, the Filipino woman who has worked for them since Rayan was 12. "You have guests, he also bring cake and flowers." she said, "Who is it? Huff Annie I don't want to see anyone." Rayan said grumpily, not wanting to know who the visitor was. "Its Abdullah." said Annie, and Rayan was shocked. What would he be doing here?

 

Rayan rushed to the living room to see Abdullah in his deshdasha and his ghetra on, sitting comfortably and texting with his iphone. Once he heard Rayan's footsteps he stood up. He gave her a weak smile as he greeted her. He slipped his iphone back into his pocket and sat down, Rayan sat at the far end of the couch. She looked at the the flowers he bought, white roses which were Rayan's favorite and he knew that. He picked up the rose as he gave it to Rayan, "Asef wallah. Ma kan qa9dey ou entay tadreen eney ma7eb aza3lech." he said. Rayan took the rose and smiled. "3adey Abdullah, ma 9ar shay. Enta b7esbat okhouy ou ana law shenu ma az3al 3laik." she said as she playfully slapped Abdullah's arm. Abdullah flinched and his expressions changed when he heard Rayan say "b7esbat okhuy".

 

Rayan noticed how tensed he was so she wanted to change the subject. "Annie tgoul enik yebt cake." she said with a chuckle, Abdullah knew about Rayan's addiction towards chocolate. He laughed and nodded. Rayan kindly asked Annie to bring the cake along with some plates and spoons. She was surprised when she saw the oreo cake, "Entay ou Janon kentaw t7eboun hal'cake." he said, looking at the cake and not Rayan. They were silent for a minute but then Abdullah blinked rapidly as he started looking around nervously.

 

Rayan moved a little closer to him. "I miss her too. Tra mafeha shay etha welaht 3alaiha, we all do." she said. She knew what Abdullah was going through, because she's going through it as well. Abdullah looked at her as a smile formed on his face, "Entay shkther t7been tet7achain englaizy. Chenich Jenano." he said and his smile slowly started to fade. Rayan's heart was broken to bits.

 

She stretched as she wanted to grab the knife but Abdullah grabbed it first, their fingers touched. Rayan backed away quickly, "Rayan mo qa9dey shay wallah. You're just a friend." Abdullah said and Rayan was confused. They were always "just friends".

 

Rayan drifted away for a few minutes but was brought back to reality by Abdullah's voice. "Wayed t'thakreeney feha." he said suddenly, and Rayan blamed herself for  what he's feeling. "I'm sorry..." she said with a shaking voice. Abdullah looked at her and begged her not to cry. "La tabcheen Rayoun!  Yetga6a3 galbey etha sheftich tabcheen! Please." he said in a pleading voice and Rayan laughed.

 

Abdullah quickly took out his iphone and started playing some music, she remembered when Jenan was around, they would play their favorite music through the speakers Abdullah had in his room and just sing along, like they didn't have any cares in the world. 

 

Rayan's favorite song was playing and she couldn't resist singing along. You found me by The Fray. Rayan laughed and Abdullah gave her a devilish smile, he knew it was her favorite song. "Lost and insecure..."  Rayan sang out loud, like she knew exactly what she's doing. "You found meeee."  Abdullah continued with his squeaky voice and they both laughed.

 

"6oul 3umrey agoulech 9outech 7elu bas entay ma t9adgeen." Abdullah said as he threw one of the cushions at Rayan but she ducked just in time. "7ta enta 9outek 7elu." she said sarcastically. "Enzain ba7e6lich ghneya ou abeeech tghaneenha Oki?" Abdullah said. "Oki" Rayan said as she stood up in front of him. In her head, she was a famous singer standing in a stadium packed with fans.

 

Rihanna's voice started singing through Abdullah's phone. Rayan laughed at his choice of song, What's my name by Rihanna. She started singing Drake's verse with a smile on her face and Abdullah was laughing as well. Rayan picked up one of cushions and threw at Abdullah and it ruined his ghetra. "Gadha?" Abdullah said, and as soon as he said, Rayan bolted across the room. The song was still playing but their laughter was louder. She ran as fast as she could, but was trapped inside the bathroom with the door locked and Abdullah outside. She tried to catch her breath, but the fact that Abdullah was standing outside made her laugh so hard. ""Mara7 a6la3." she said and she sounded like a child. "Ya3ney betnameen bel7amam? Kaifech" he said as he laughed and Rayan laughed  from behind the door.

 

After what seemed like 10 minutes, Rayan opened the door and bolted outside. No matter how fast she ran, she would always hear Abdullah's breath right behind her. She kept running until her grabbed her shirt and started tickling her. She laughed as she was trying to push him away.

 

They spent the rest of the day like that, singing and laughing and just unleashing the inner kids inside of them.

Confessions.18

Pulling to a stop in front of her dad's workplace, the security refused to let them in. Abdullah rolled down his windows, "Hey Majeed. Hatha Abdullah, bas bywa9elney dakhel ou yamshey." she told the security man with a smile on her face, she was smiling out of respect and because she couldn't wait to see Hamad. Majeed smiled back and waved as Abdullah drove inside, he took a turn to the right and parked in front of her father's building.


She smiled as she was opening the door of the car, but Abdullah suddenly grabbed her wrist, "Ne6ray bakalmech. 9ekay el'bab." he said firmly. Rayan rolled her eyes as she got back in and closed the door. "Khair? Bas khala9 geltlick ma 9ar shay ams ou malah da3ey tred tefta7 el'mawthou3." she said courageously while looking in his eyes. He clenched his fists. "Menu ely kentay ga3da m3ah? Ou la tchathbeen 3lay." he said.

"Abdullah shfeek? Hatha wa7ed dash internship 3end obouy ou lma shafney ya 3shan ysalem ou bas!" she said, making it obvious that she was annoyed. Abdullah was quiet for a minute, "Obouch yadrey?" he said, and Rayan felt like it was more like a threat than a question.

She looked at him with disgust, "Rou7 goulah." she said as she nodded in the direction of the building, daring him to walk in there and tell her dad what he knows. Abdullah looked away as Rayan opened the door again and got out. She spotted Hamad in his car almost 4 parking lots away. Her phone vibrated in her hands, she looked down and saw the twitter notification.

She clicked on the Twitter application and her eyes scanned for little star that leads to the new activity, it was a dm.
@Hamad: I see you.:p

She chuckled as he slowed her pace, giving Hamad a chance to catch up with her. He came out of his car, wearing his deshdasha and his ghetra neatly folded in his arm. His hair was messy so Rayan assumed that he took off his ghetra and folded it so he could wear it again later. He walked up to her and smiled, Rayan looked down shyly as they both walked together to the entrance of the building.

Rayan forgot that Abdullah was still there, he saw everything. She turned her head around, her eyes meeting with Abdullah's, she got the message that he was annoyed, but he wouldn't hear her out so she didn't care what he thinks.

Hamad held the door open for her  as he asked how she was. "Tmam el7emdillah. How are you?" she said in response. "I'm good." he said, giving her a huge grin. They walked to her father's office and he held the door open for her, again. Rayan laughed as she thanked him and he laughed as well.

She greeted her father with a kiss on his forehead as Hamad was keeping distance, she thought it was cute. Once she was seated Hamad shaked hands with her father and they greeted each other ever so loudly.


"Yubaa laish meshait 3aney el'youm? Shda3wa laish ma geltley!" Rayan started whining. "Baba entay 6awaltay bel7amam! Abdullah galey akeed enich met3asra ou galey sh9ayer fa geltlah khala9 enta rath'a b3dain yeebha..." her father said, "3ad 3sa rethaitay? Tra 9ej met7asef l9bay." Rayan's tears have already started forming and she was trying her best to blink them away, she looked around the room and then her eyes met with Hamad's.

Once he noticed the tears, his expressions turned from confusion to worry. "Eeh yuba ma 9ar shay." she said. She gave her father one of those big fake smiles that he would always fall for, but Hamad obviously didn't buy it. "Oki 3ayala ana barou7 3end Abdulwahab, yabeeney awaqe3 3la cham wrega, akhale9 ou nred el'bait Oki yuba?" he said while grabbing his folders and a pen and making his way out, leaving Rayan and Hamad alone.

Once her dad was out of the office, she let out a sigh as she rested her head in between her palms, while Hamad was still awkwardly standing there. "Rayan? Sh9ayer? Fech shay?" he asked. He knew it wasn't his business, he's only known Rayan for 2 days now, but god know how much he cared about her.

Rayan looked up at him and smiled. "La maku shay, don't worrry." she said. "Bagoulich shay..." he said, and he was hesitating at first but then he sat at the chair that was facing Rayan. Hamad placed his neatly folded ghetra on the chair that was next to him. He leaned forward as he started speaking. "Adrey eney ma a3arfech wla entay t3arfeeney. But eveyrtime you smile, I smile too. Your presence makes me feel so good, and I want to make you feel better." he said with a half smile indicating that he was a bit shy. Rayan chuckled as she lifted her head, "You're english is so good..." she laughed, "And its a long story, but I'm fine now.".

"Long story ha? Tra ana wa7ed 7adey fathey ou ma3endey hadaf bel7ayat. Reday el'bait ou gouliley kel shay 3la ra7tech." Hamad said and Rayan laughed like she's been tickled. Hamad smiled, he loved making people laugh. "Enshallah." she said with a smile. "Enzain ana al7een lazem amshey, el'walda tabeeney a3asheeha barra." he said, giving Rayan one of his million dollar smiles that would cause Rayan's heart to melt.

Hamad picked up his ghetra as he stood up and faced the mirror that was pinned on the wall, Rayan watched him so carefully as he was wearing his ghetra. Everytime he caught her staring, she would smile and look away for a second then stare at him again. She couldn't take her eyes off him, and he couldn't resist smiling whenever she smiled. She had a crush on him.

Confessions.17

The waiter came by and took their orders, leaving them with their awkward silence again. Rayan's dad started talking about his work and how tiring its been. And Abdullah just nodded, he seemed to be spacing out, and Rayan noticed.

Rayan's dad kept going on and on but Abdullah didn't seem interested. "3baid! Ga3ed akalmek!" he said while waving a hand in front of Abdullah's face. Abdullah shook his head, "M3ak m3aak." he said with a laugh. "Sar7an shaklek? Laa tgouley 7abait." Rayan's dad said with a laugh, and Abdullah laughed too while looking at Rayan. "Laa tkhaf. Law 9ej 7bait, enta ra7 tkoun awal mn yadrey," Abdullah said while glaring at Rayan, and that made her shift uncomfortably in her seat. "3baid shfeek? Mo 3la ba3thek. Shemthaygek? Gouley!" Rayan's dad said worriedly, and before Abdullah could answer, the waiter came with their appetizers.


Everyone was busy stuffing their mouths with food, avoiding conversation. Rayan was sitting there awkwardly, she suddenly lost her appetite. "Baba ana barou7 7amam." she said while pushing her chair backwards. "La 7abeebtey la trou7een brou7ech. Za7ma ou kelah shabab, ne6ray Abdullah yrou7 m3ach." her dad said, and Abdullah almost chocked on his food. "Laa yuba malah da3ey, khalah yakel. Ana mara7 a6awel..." and before she could finish her sentence, Abdullah stood up and said: "La 3adey. Yallah awadeech."


Walking her way to the ladies room, she prayed that Abdullah wouldn't talk to her about yesterday. once they were out of her father's sight, she suddenly felt someone softly grabbing her arm. She turned around, wishing it was anyone but Abdullah. "Bakalmech." he said, softness in his voice. Rayan just stood there silently, not daring to look into his eyes. He sighed. "Asef wallah. Ma kent aq9ed el'kalam ely geltah. Kent m3a9eb ou met'thayeg. Wallah ma kent aq9ed Rayan! La tsheelen b'kha6rech. Ou ana 3a9abt l2aney kent khayef 3laich." he said, and it almost felt like he was pleading for her forgiveness.


She looked up, not meeting his eyes, tears threatening to roll down her cheeks. "Ma 9ar shay." she said, as cold as ever. She was hurt. "Rayan. 6a3eeney." he ordered. And Rayan was forced to look into his eyes. "Geltlich asef. Bas wallah ma gedart amsek a39abey." he said, letting go of her arm and softly holding her hand. She quickly pulled away her hand.


"Laa tjeesney!" she said, and she tgave him his back and walked into the ladies room. She didn't care about the people who witnessed her tears, she locked herself inside one of the vacant toilets and sat there, crying her eyes out as she was remembering everything that happened. Her eyeliner had smudged and her eyes were puffy and red. She felt her phone vibrate in her back pocket, but she didn't bother to check it.


Once she opened the door, she realized that everyone was gone. She sighed as she slowly approached the sink. She washed her face and cleaned up the leftover's of her eyeliner and blush. She dried her face with tissues and reapplied her eyeliner, even though it was obvious that she had been crying.


All of a sudden a woman came in, eyeing Rayan. "Entay Rayan?" she asked. "Eeh laish?" Rayan asked confused. The woman looked at her, "Fe wa7ed bara esmah Abdullah 9arla sa3a yan6erich! Mekhtre3 3balah fech shay! Kan bydesh bas el'security ma khalouh!" she said. Rayan sighed, "Oki, al7een a6la3." she said as she gave the woman an assuring smile. She looked at herself in the more one last time.


"Tra he's cute." the woman said out of the blue and they both laughed. "I know." Rayan said with a confident smile, she thanked the woman before walking out of the toilets room. She found Abdullah standing there with a worried look on his face.


"Akheeran! Khara3teeney 3baley fech shay! Ma fech shay 9a7?" he said once he saw her. Rayan laughed at how panicked he was, "La ma feeny shay. Bas wain obouy?" she asked. Abdullah eased up, "Dagaw 3laih el'dawam galaw yabounah tharourey. Tabeen awadeech 3endah wla age6ich el'bait?" he asked, and Rayan knew exactly  what she wanted. "La wadney 3endah." she said with a huge grin on her  face, the thought of  seeing Hamad instantly made her happy. Abdullah payed for the food that hadn't been touched and ushered Rayan outside to his  car.


On the way to her father, she followed back Hamad and dm'ed him.
@Rayan: Hey. How's it going? Ana ray7a 7ag dawam obouy right now, any chance I might run into you?:p


And in a matter of seconds, she recieved a reply.
@Hamad: Hey! I'm great, thank you for asking. Eeh ana 3endah al7een, see you there?:p


She smiled and she wanted to ask Abdullah if he could drive any faster but she got a grip of herself.
@Rayan: Oki haha. Can't wait:p


She was excited.

Confessions.16

She woke up the next day with a headache and her tears feeling dry against her cheeks, she placed her hand on her head, not believing the things that happened yesterday. She walked over to the bathroom and stood in front of the mirror, she looked down at the shirt she was wearing and smiled, Jenan would kill her if she knew that she slept in her favorite Tshirt. Rayan washed her face with warm water and brushed her teeth. She did the necessities and then went to the dining room to find her father sitting there, reading his newspaper.

She kissed his forhead, "Halmara ana sawaitlech reyoug." he said with a chuckle. She looked at the tray that he placed in front of her seat, 4 slices of bread with butter and cheese accompanied by her father's famous hot chocolate. "Allaah mashkour." she said, giving her father a hug.

She kept looking at her father from time to time, afraid Abdullah might have called him. Rayan's father isn't the closed minded type, he knew his daughter had guy friends. They were her friends since elementary school, he knew them and their parents very well. So her father wasn't against having guy friends, as long as he knew about each and everyone.

She coughed, trying to break the awkward silence, her father gave her a weird look. "Abdullah dag 3lay ams, 3azemna 3al'ghada. Bne6la3 mn hney el'sa3a 2 Oki?" he said as he got up. She opened her mouth to say something then shut it quickly, she decided to let it be and see how things happen.

She walked into her closet room and started looking through her clothes, she decided to wear a maroon top which had a half length sleeve with her bleached skinny jeans. She took a shower, put on her clothes and crimpled her hair and gave it a little frizz. She applied her eyeliner and blush and wore her silver acessories and went to her father's room. 

"Baba ana khala9t." she said while making herself comfortable on his bed and pulling out her phone. Scrolling through her timeline on twitter, she read some jokes aloud to her father, who cracked up too easily. She checked her followers and noticed one follower in particular. Hamad.

She smiled, she didn't follow him back, not just yet. She stalked his profile. His last tweet was 13 minutes ago and it was lyrics to Usher's song, U got it bad. It was also one of her favourite songs which got her a little more attracted to him. Her dad grabbed the keys as he told her that he'll be waiting for her in the car. She walked out with him and got in his Navy Cayenne.

"Degay 3la 3abdullah, se2leeh ay ma63am?" he asked and Rayan was startled by his question. She squeezed her brain for an excuse, "Ma3endey ra9eed." she said quickly. Her dad laughed, "Ana bafham entay menu tkalmeen? Shda3wa kel youmain ra9eed! Degay mn 3endey." he said and Rayan stretched her hand to grab his white iphone.

She dialed his number, she had it memorized for some reason she didn't even know. She silently wished he wouldn't pick up, but he did. "Halaa 3amey! 3ad tawney badeg 3laik." he said with a laugh. "Hala Abdullah, ana Rayan..." she said, "Obouy ygoulek ay ma63am?" she said quickly, not giving him a chance to say anything. "Nino el'ba7ar." he said, and she sensed the anger in his voice. "Oki" she said, wanting to hang up and  ending this awkward conversation as fast as she could, but she didn't have it in her, she wanted him to say something.

"Rayan?" he said, his anger slowly melting away. Rayan had a sudden change of heart and she didn't want to know what he had to say. "Oki khala9 kana bl6ereej." she said and quickly hung up.

She turned to look at her dad and told him where they were going to have lunch. In a matter of 20 minutes, they were already parked at Nino and making their way inside, their eyes scanning the place for Abdullah. Her dad nudged her with her elbow and ushered her in the direction where Abdullah was  sitting. She kept her eyes on the floor the whole way, not wanting to make eye contact with Abdullah.

Abdullah greeted her dad with a violent shae and a pat on the back, he smiled at Rayan without saying a word, and each took his seat. The silence was awkward, Rayan could feel Abdullah taking a glance at her every other minute, and it made her uncomfortable. If things were Oki, they'd be talking nonstop about the most random subjects and making each other smile, but they aren't.

Confessions.15

There was an awkward silence on Abdullah's side. She heard him breathing heavily. Rayan knew Abdullah had anger issues.  "Testa3be6ain 9a7?" he said with a mocking laugh. "3balech ma sheftich? Ma tgouliley menu hathaa? Testa3be6ain entay? Ga3datley m3a rayal ghareeb? LAAAA OU WAIN? B'360 JEDAAM EL3ALAM." he yelled suddenly. Rayan was silent, she had nothing to say.

"Obouch yadrey? T'hagain shbegoul etha draa ena bentah ga3da m3a wa7ed? Laa ya3ney hatha ely shefnah bas. Allah ye3lam shemsawya b3ad!!!!" he said, and his words felt like daggers in Rayan's heart. "Ya3ney entay kentay b'nafs el7adeth ely rfeejtich matat feh! Enkitablech 3omer ydeed! El'mafrouth tet3adlain ou tet7ajebain mo tetfashkain zyadaa ou tkalmeen shabab! 9ej enich mo kafuu! Anaa bas abey afham laish ehiaa ou mo entay? Entay ma testahlaain! El'nas tkhaf rabhaa zyada ou ehia bay3a rou7haa 3end el'shabab! Obouch shbegoul? Nazaltay rasah bel'ga3!" he said, and he didn't seem to regret it.

As hurt as Rayan was, that didn't stop her from yelling back at him, "Tabey tgoul 7ag obuy? Rou7 goulah! Obouy watheq feeney ou yadrey eney ma swait shay ghala6..." and that was all she could say before her tears chocked her. She wanted to go on, she wanted to tell him that  she wished it was her instead of Jenan too, but she couldn't.

Abdullah hung up on her without saying another word, and Rayan was left hurt, she knew that some people thought that it was a mistake, that it should have been her. But she never thought Abdullah was one of those people.

She hugged her knees and cried her eyes out. She had no one to turn to. She wasn't hurt by the words as much as she was hurt by the fact that it came from Abdullah. The same loving and caring Abdullah who was there for her throughout her therapy sessions. Who always told her that it was gonna be alright. Who told her that it happened for a reason.

Rayan wanted to go talk to her dad about it, but if her dad knew about the phone call that just happened, he would start a fight with Abdullah. And Rayan didn't want that. Her dad always treated Abdullah like his son, he gave him the kind of love and attention a dad would give his son. And Rayan didn't want to ruin that.

She desperately wanted to believe that Abdullah said those words out of anger, and that he didn't really mean them. She always believed that people aren't perfect, and when mad or upset, they tend to say stuff. Stuff they will regret later. And this was Abdullah's case.

Rayan kept rocking back and forth, trying to calm herself down. The memory of Jenan broke her heart into pieces.  She decided to get up and get one of the scarfes. She opened up the drawer and something caught her eye. She found one of Jenan's Tshirts with the scarfes that she had taken earlier. But it wasn't just a Tshirt, it was Jenan's favorite.

Looking at it only caused Rayan to cry harder. She took a deep breathe as she inhaled the smell of the shirt, it had no scent to it but it felt like Jenan's smell was still there. She took off the shirt she was wearing and put on Jenan's. She looked at herself and smiled while tears were running down her cheeks.

She gave her back to the mirror and she slid down, sitting on the cold floor and the mirror's cold glass against her back. She hugged her knees closer as she hid her face and started crying all over again. Abdullah's words kept repeating in her mind. How was she supposed to get over this? She doubted if she can take it any longer. She carried too much hurt and pain in her heart. She held onto the pain, because it was all that she had left of Jenan. She remembered the last day she spent with Jenan. She never expected anything like that to happen. Who would have guessed?

Rayan put her hands together as she lifted her head. She prayed with tears blurring her vision. She prayed for Jenan. She prayed for herself, for god to help her and heal this hurt. She prayed and hoped that Jenan was in a better place. She prayed for Abdullah, that god would forgive him and heal the pain he's feeling too. She asked god to help her, to guide her. She was lost in a cold world.

Crying drained her energy, after crying and letting out all the hurt and anger she had in her, she tucked herself in bed and went to sleep.

Confessions.14

  

Rayan started her next friday morning with a wake up call from her friend, Zaina. She asked her if she was interested in going to 360 with her and do a little shopping. Zaina knew very well that shopping is Rayan's weakness point,a and she had to use it against her. Rayan was going to meet Zaina at the movies at 3:00 o'clock sharp.

 

Rayan took a shower and curled  her hair, she decided to wear a black maxi dress with a golden belt and her matte gold purse, the same one she wore to her dad's office. She left the house and asked the driver to take her to 360. The streets were crowded, typical Friday. She reached 360 in 35 minutes and started walking her way to The movies. Zaina called her and apologized and said that she may be a little late. Rayan decided to wait for her at Caribou since she needed hr daily doze of coffee.

 

While taking her drink and seating herself at one of the empty tables in the corner, she felt a pair of eyes eyeing her. Like someone is watching her every move, she took a sip of her coffee as looking around, she made eye contact with those eyes, the same eyes she looked into yesterday, Hamad's eyes. She smiled at him and he smiled back. Rayan always believed that men and women can be friends as long as both of  them sticked to their borders.

 

She took out her phone from her purse and started wasting time, "Are you alone?" she heard someone say while standing next to her table. She recognized the voice and the beautiful fluent english. She smiled, trying not to make it obvious that she was actually happy to see him. "I'm waiting for someone, but you can keep me company." she said as she saw the expression on his face turn from shyness to a laugh. Hamad pulled up a chair as he sat across from her, staring straight into her eyes, and Rayan felt like he was staring at her soul. This time, Rayan was wearing makeup, perfectly winged eyeliner which complimented her beautiful eyes and bronzer. She still looked very pretty.

 

Rayan was playing with her rings, which gave Hamad the impression that she was a bit uncomfortable. "Shfeech? Etha tabeeney arou7 tra its fine, bas 7bait asalem." he said politely with a half smile, and Rayan frowned at the thought of him leaving. His presence made her feel undeniably happy, though he was just a stranger to her. "La bel3aks! Bas madrey I'm nervous.'' she said and she laughed at what she just said, she finally found the courage to look up and meet Hamad's eyes. She noticed that the smile on his face turned into laughter once he noticed how shy she was.

Rayan being her clumsy self, she accidentally spilled her hot coffee all over the table. With a loud gasp, she quickly pushed back her chair and stood up. She lifted her bag from the table, afraid the coffee might stain it. Hamad sat back and laughed at her reaction, "Shda3wa tra kelha jan6a." he said with a loud laugh which caused a small amount of people to star. Rayan's jaw almost fell, "Kelhaa jan6a! Its an Alexander bag! Ne6art'haa shahrain taqreeban!" she said and Hamad laughed, "Enzain tra wasakhteeha mn ta7at. Wait ayeeblich napkins." he said as he got up and went to get some napkins. She inspected her bag carefully, the coffee had stained it. Rayan almost cried, she waited on the waiting list for 6 weeks just to get her hands on this bag.

Hamad was back with napkins and he started cleaning Rayan's bag for her. Rayan smiled at how gentle and nice he was. Maybe he was different after all. Once Hamad was done, he looked up at Rayan who was still awkwardly standing. "Ma enkat 3laich shay? Did it burn you?" he asked, and it almost felt like he was concerned. Rayan took one last glance at her black dress, "La ma 7ashney." she said and she smiled to assure him that she was fine. He phone vibrated inside her bag and she quickly pulled it out, she saw Hamad trying to sneak a peak at the caller ID. She excused herself and said that her friend was here and she had to go. Hamad stood up as she said goodbye.

"Ashoufech on Sunday?" he asked, hoping she'd say yes. Rayan spun on her heels, "I have school.." she said with a smile. Hamad's smile soon turned into a frown but when he heard what she said after that, his frown turned back into a smile that stretched from ear to ear. "But who knows? I might drop bye after school." she said, and then continued walking in the other direction.

They were both undeniably happy. Rayan spent a pleasant day with Zaina, and Hamad spent a good day with his brother. Rayan's words kept spinning in Hamad's mind. He hoped to see her soon.

Rayan went back home that day with a smile on her face. She really enjoyed her time with Zaina. While changing her clothes, she received a text. She quickly grabbed her phone and opened the text. It was from Abdullah. She read it and it sent shivers down her spine. WE NEED TO TALK. CALL WHEN YOU'RE ALONE!, it said.

She closed the door and sat on her bed. With shaky hands, she dialed his number and waited for him to pick up. "Aloo." he said, and she knew he was mad. "Ahlain. Haw shfeek tra khara3tney. 9ayer shay?" she asked, worried that something bad might have happened. "MA TGOULILEY EL'YOUM 6AL3A M3A MENU?" he yelled into the phone. Rayan was surprised, Abdullah never yelled at her."M3a zaina, laish?" she said with a trembling voice. She started recalling the events of the day, then it hit her: Hamad.

Confessions.13

It was very weird sitting there with a stranger facing you. She tried to focus on what she was supposed to do, but with a cutie like Hamad staring at her, it was pretty hard. She opened up file by file, looking at their pictures and then down at their GPA's. She tried  not to laugh at how good looking men had the lowest GPA's. She checked her dad's email  one last time. She found the email her dad had talked about, she printed the images and forwarded the email to her dad's  assistant. Hamad was still awkwardly staring at her, every time she looked at him, he would act like he was busy doing something that doesn't involve staring at  her.

 

Hamad let out an awkward cough, and Rayan was too shy to look up. "So..." he said, desperately trying to start a conversation with her. Hamad was stunned by Rayan's natural beauty. She was a spitting image of her father. She had his big wide eyes, thick lashes  and full lips. She was hardly wearing any makeupp, but he still thought she was the prettiest things he ever set his eyes on. He noticed her interest in her  father's work.  "So?" he heard Rayan say while letting out one of her joyful laughs.

 

Hamad smiled at her and she felt insecure, she wasn't used to good looking men staring at her. Or maybe she was, but she never noticed cause she didn't care about the attention. She opened up one of the few files that were left and looked at the man in the picture. It was Hamad. She laughed unwillingly, he actually looked good in his picture, and he looked even better in a deshdasha and his ghetra. "Shfeech?" he asked while getting up, trying to find out what was making her laugh which caused him to smile himself. He saw his picture inside the file. "El'ghetra tsawey sheghl 9a7?" he said while letting out his manly laugh which Rayan heard for the first time. "Wayed!" she said while laughing.

 

Her laugh made Hamad smile, and his laugh had the same affect on Rayan too. Almost on que, her dad walked in. "Ohh 7amoud! Shfeek ma dagait kent na6rek!" Rayan's dad said as he patted Hamad's back almost too hard. Hamad laughed, "Yeet hney ou ma legaitek, gelt an6erik." he said while trying so hard to take his eyes away from Rayan because it was inappropriate to stare at her in front of her own father.

 

"Ha Rayouna khala9tay?" Her dad asked while walking over to her and looking at how she organized the files. Rayan smiled, she loved it when her dad called her Rayouna, and Hamad seemed to notice it. "Eeeh ka tawney khala9t" Rayan said as she got up from the black leather chair and making space for her father. "Eeeh khoush. Mashkoura 7abeebtey." He said and he kissed her cheek. Rayan's dad always treated his daughter like every dad should. He was nice and caring. Rayan couldn't wish for a better dad.

 

Hamad had excused himself, he said he had classes to attend and that he was late. Rayan wanted to believe that he chose to spend a couple of extra minutes with her and didn't mind being late, but she knew it was wishful thinking. She spent the rest of the day helping around and just being her lazy self. Once her dad had wrapped up his meeting he escorted her to the car.

 

Rayan said that she was in the mood for Italian food,so they both settled on Alforno, the avenues. Hamad was running around her mind throughout the whole day. She knew it was Oki to have a crush on someone, but she didn't want anything serious to happen, like a relationship or something. She didn't want to lose her fathers trust, she wanted to stick to her morals and she cared about her reputation a lot.

 

She started thinking about Jenan, if she was still here, what would she have done? Would she allow Rayan to actually fall for this person? Or would she stop her? Because Rayan knew Jenan too well, she knew that Jenan was against relationships in our society. She wanted to listen to her brain, but a voice in her head kept telling her that not everyone is the same.

 

Rayan had spent a good day with her father and went back home. It was the end of the week, which meant that her dad doesn't have to work tomorrow and she can't see Hamad.

 

Rayan went up to her room and pulled out on of the scarfs she always wore while playing Confessions. She did the usual and started talking, but this time, she didn't feel like crying...

 

Hey Janoun! Were you looking over me today? Did you see Hamad? Isn't he just a cutie? Well I saw him first haha! His laugh is so amazing. it gives me goosebumps but in a good way, you know?... You know what? For the first time, ever since you left, I actually felt happy today. I actually smiled and it felt like a real smile not a fake one. I don't mean that I don't miss you, I'd still do anything to be with you, but I was really happy today. My dad made me feel beautiful and good about myself, and Hamad made me laugh. I know you don't approve of this, and I don't either, but I don't know. Nothing happened yet. So I guess I'll have to wait. Even though I was happy today, the pain of missing you still sits there, in my heart. I wish you would hold me in your arms and take all the pain away. Sometimes I want to lock myself in my room and pretend you're here with me. Imagining you is better than nothing right? I'm not afraid to cry anymore, but having to live with you gone still upsets me. I miss you and love you, bestie."

 

Confessions.12

Previously..

And with that Rayan stopped because her train of thoughts were disturbed by a knock on the door, she looked at the watch. 5:32 am.

 

Rayan quickly got up and opened the door to see her dad standing there. "3baley nemtay..." he said with his tired voice, he kissed her forehead and walked to his room. "Baba wait!" Rayan said just before he reached his room, which was at the far end of the hallway, he turned around, "3adey anam 3endik? Mabey arou7 el'madresa." she said. Rayan avoided eye contact, because her dad knew that it had something to do with Jenan, and she knew that he knew. But his time it wasn't about Jenan, she was afraid of losing her father. He smiled and she walked over to him and gave him a tight hug.

 

Rayan just lay there, she remembered the times when her dad slept in her room whenever she wasn't feeling Oki. "Mara7 tgouliley shfeech?" her dad suddenly said, and she hadn't realized that he's been staring at her, waiting for her to say something. She just shook her shoulders, which meant she wasn't ready to talk. He pulled her into a hug and she dug her face into his chest, her tears staining his shirt. "Its Oki to miss her." he  said with his thick Arabian accent which Rayan always made fun of. "Baba 9ej you're divorcing mom?" Rayan asked, not looking up at him but still hiding her face. Her dad sighed, "Kan wdey tesm3eenha mney ou mo mn omech. Eeeh 7abeebtey 9ej." he said, and Rayan felt the sadness is his voice. She decided that it wasn't the right time to talk about it.

 

The next morning, Rayan woke up before her dad did so she decided to make him a decent breakfast, which was scrambled eggs the way he liked it, a slice of bread and his mug of coffee. Once she took the tray to the dining room, she saw him leaving his room. "Sawaitlek reyoug." she said with a smile on her face. Her dad let out a manly laugh and said "Mn meta ou entay tdesheen el'ma6bakh.". Rayan laughed too. "Things change." she said and gave him a reassuring smile. They both had a delightful breakfast. Its been a while since they spent time together, just the two of them.

 

"Shrayech tyeen m3ay el'dawam el'youm? I can use your help." he said and Rayan couldn't say no. "Help with what?" she asked, because every time he took her with him to work, it was to help with printing papers or forwarding emails. "3endna shabab mqadmeen 3la internship. Sa3deeney bl'files. Ou 3endey meeting mohem el'youm abeech tjahzeen el'awrag." he said while sipping on his coffee. Rayan took a second to think about it, "Are they cute?" she asked jokingly.  Her dad smacked her arm playfully which caused them both to laugh. Rayan excused herself to go get dressed.

 

It took her forever to decide what to wear, but she settled with a beautiful knee length nude pink dress that was longer from the back. She wore it with her white Chloe heels and a pair of white feather necklace. Rayan looked at herself in the mirror. She smiled at her reflection as she grabbed her matte gold over sized purse and walked to her dad's room.

 

"You look good." her dad said once she walked in the room. Rayan blushed, no matter how many times her dad said that to her, she still blushed every time. "Mn zman mo shayfech chthey kaaskha ou tbousemain. Walaht 3la benty." her dad said, while fixing his ghetra and looking at her in the mirror. She walked up to him and hugged him, she didn't know what to say.

 

"Shrayech netghada bra el'youm? Bas ana weyach." He asked. "Oki, bas shar6. Ana akhtar el'ma63am" she said and they both laughed because they never agreed on a restaurant. He side hugged her while leading her outside to the car. They both got in and her dad started driving.

 

Once they arrived to her father's working place. He walked his way into his office and she followed. Her dad sat at his desk and started going through papers while reading his emails at the same time. Rayan just sat there, staring at her father. He was always good at what he's doing, she was proud of her father. His assistant, Tom, walked in. He greeted them both and handed her dad some more files.

 

"Enzain Rayouna 7abeebtey ana barou7 achayek 3la shaghla gbl el'meeting, t3alay abeech tsaweeley el'files." Her dad said white getting up from the chair and making space for her to sit down. Rayan got up and sat  at his chair, feeling like a child wearing his dad's shoes. "Sheftay hathoul el'files? Abeech tratbeenhum 3la 7asab their GPA's Oki? Ou ana na6er email mn Patrick 3arafteeh? etha we9al el'email abeech te6b3eenah m3a el'images ely bydezhom Oki?" He said quickly because he was in a hurry. He kissed her forehead as he thanked her and walked out.

 

Rayan was organizing the files and checking out the men's pictures, some actually looked good in their pictures which she thought was impossible. She laughed at her own thoughts. She wanted to check her fathers email, she moved the mouse and a picture came up. She realized that his computer's background was a picture of them all together. She recognized the picture, it was taken during their vacation in Italy. It was her, her father and her mother grinning at the camera. Rayan stared hard at the picture, then realized that it had been cropped. The original picture had Jenan in it. And Jenan had her arms around Rayan's shoulder and Rayan had hers around Jenan's waist. She thought that maybe her dad had cropped it because seeing the image of Jenan hurt him as much as it hurt her. But even when Jenan was cropped out, they all looked so happy in the picture.

 

Her thoughts were interrupted by a knock on the door. "Uhh.. Guwaa." said the guy standing by the door. Rayan was caught off gaurd, "Tmam el7emdillah." she said, and she mentally slapped herself a million times once she realized how stupid she looked. She looked down at her heels in embaresment. The guy chuckled and scratched the back of his neck. "Muhandes Faisal mawjoud?" He said politely. Rayan looked up to look at him, she took in all his beautiful features. He was pretty tall with a perfect fit body, he had short black hair and his beard was growing. He looked messy but neat at the same time in his grey chinos and a tucked in white button down top. Rayan shook her head, trying to get herself back to reality. "Eeeh mawjoud bas ra7 ychayek 3la shaghlah. Tawa 6ale3, I think he'll be here in 30 minutes or so." she said, her english words fluently sliding out of her mouth. He smiled at her, "Can you tell him Hamad was here? I wanted to ask him about the internship." he said and Rayan was impressed by his accent. He almost didn't have one, he spoke fluently. "Sure." she said with a smile on her face. Hamad was still standing awkwardly by the door. "Would you like to wait here?" Rayan offered and he laughed at himself for looking so awkward. "Thanks for the offer." Hamad said while sitting down in one of the chairs her dad had in his office, facing Rayan.

 

This will be weird, Rayan thought..

Confessions.1

 

Sitting in the corner of her room, listening to Blind by jason derulo. His voice and the beautifully constructed melody slowly unleashing all the pain she bottled up inside her. Allowing all the tears to slowly make their way down her cheeks, not bothering to wipe them away. Every word perfectly described the way she felt at that moment: hurt, lied to and left behind.  Every time he sang his chorus, she would cry a little harder.

She spent most of her days like that, crying silently in the corner of her room. Reminiscing the good times she had with that person. The good times that never lasted. The one person whom she gave all her trust to. "I'm here for you..." he said. "I'll always be by your side..." he said. "I'm not leaving you like the rest..." he said. "I'll never hurt you.." he said. "I'm sorry..." he said. "I love you." he also said.  But what he didn't say is that it was all a well constructed lie. She gave him everything he asked for, but he never gave her what she desperately needed; Care.

 

Rayan is a 17 year old girl. A senior in an excellent school. The daughter of a well known engineer and an owner of a successful business company. If you look back at her childhood, it was what every girl wished for. She had loving parents who spoiled her and her sisters. A loving mother, a giving father and lovely sisters. Her father always showered her with gifts and love. "Gifts don't necessarily need an occasion" he always said. He always bought his family the most expensive gifts, and bought them designer clothing. He loved his family, but most importantly, he loved his wife. Her mother wasn't always around. She loved to go out with her friends and visit her relatives. The only time she was at home was when it was time to sleep.

 

Rayan was always popular. Yes, she was a mean girl and always looked down on people, but she was fun to be around and she had many friends who loved her. She had a big heart that fit everyone around her. But one girl, Jenan,was her best friend. Jenan was like a sister to Rayan, she was always around. She was like the 5th daughter to Rayan's dad. Jenan even had her own room in Rayan's house, and Rayan had hers in Jenan's house. They were inseparable. They shared the same interest in fashion and sports. Everyone said they looked like sisters. They knew each other better than they know themselves.

They spent all their days together. Every weekend, they'd go to the avenues to shop and have dinner. It would be just the two girls, having a nice time and not caring about the guys or the girls that would stare. None of them was the "boyfriend/girlfriend" type. Rayan and Jenan were gorgeous girls, who embraced their natural beauty and were very confident. They both had different personalities but they got along perfectly.

But we all know that nothing lasts forever. That Thursday, was the day everything went wrong and Rayan's world came crashing down. They both spent a lovely time in the avenues but Jenan's mother called her and said that she was very tired so her dad will pick her up early that night. Rayan invited her over and said that it would be great if Jenan can spend the night at her place so they would catch up on Gossip girl. Jenan's mother agreed and they were making their way out of the avenues and into the driver's car with their Starbucks drink in their hands. The driver drove his way out of the parking lot and was now driving back home. They were both busy doing their own thing with their cell phones and silently sipping on their drinks.

And that was when it all went wrong...