Monday, October 29, 2012
Confessions.15
There was an awkward silence on Abdullah's side. She heard him breathing heavily. Rayan knew Abdullah had anger issues. "Testa3be6ain 9a7?" he said with a mocking laugh. "3balech ma sheftich? Ma tgouliley menu hathaa? Testa3be6ain entay? Ga3datley m3a rayal ghareeb? LAAAA OU WAIN? B'360 JEDAAM EL3ALAM." he yelled suddenly. Rayan was silent, she had nothing to say.
"Obouch yadrey? T'hagain shbegoul etha draa ena bentah ga3da m3a wa7ed? Laa ya3ney hatha ely shefnah bas. Allah ye3lam shemsawya b3ad!!!!" he said, and his words felt like daggers in Rayan's heart. "Ya3ney entay kentay b'nafs el7adeth ely rfeejtich matat feh! Enkitablech 3omer ydeed! El'mafrouth tet3adlain ou tet7ajebain mo tetfashkain zyadaa ou tkalmeen shabab! 9ej enich mo kafuu! Anaa bas abey afham laish ehiaa ou mo entay? Entay ma testahlaain! El'nas tkhaf rabhaa zyada ou ehia bay3a rou7haa 3end el'shabab! Obouch shbegoul? Nazaltay rasah bel'ga3!" he said, and he didn't seem to regret it.
As hurt as Rayan was, that didn't stop her from yelling back at him, "Tabey tgoul 7ag obuy? Rou7 goulah! Obouy watheq feeney ou yadrey eney ma swait shay ghala6..." and that was all she could say before her tears chocked her. She wanted to go on, she wanted to tell him that she wished it was her instead of Jenan too, but she couldn't.
Abdullah hung up on her without saying another word, and Rayan was left hurt, she knew that some people thought that it was a mistake, that it should have been her. But she never thought Abdullah was one of those people.
She hugged her knees and cried her eyes out. She had no one to turn to. She wasn't hurt by the words as much as she was hurt by the fact that it came from Abdullah. The same loving and caring Abdullah who was there for her throughout her therapy sessions. Who always told her that it was gonna be alright. Who told her that it happened for a reason.
Rayan wanted to go talk to her dad about it, but if her dad knew about the phone call that just happened, he would start a fight with Abdullah. And Rayan didn't want that. Her dad always treated Abdullah like his son, he gave him the kind of love and attention a dad would give his son. And Rayan didn't want to ruin that.
She desperately wanted to believe that Abdullah said those words out of anger, and that he didn't really mean them. She always believed that people aren't perfect, and when mad or upset, they tend to say stuff. Stuff they will regret later. And this was Abdullah's case.
Rayan kept rocking back and forth, trying to calm herself down. The memory of Jenan broke her heart into pieces. She decided to get up and get one of the scarfes. She opened up the drawer and something caught her eye. She found one of Jenan's Tshirts with the scarfes that she had taken earlier. But it wasn't just a Tshirt, it was Jenan's favorite.
Looking at it only caused Rayan to cry harder. She took a deep breathe as she inhaled the smell of the shirt, it had no scent to it but it felt like Jenan's smell was still there. She took off the shirt she was wearing and put on Jenan's. She looked at herself and smiled while tears were running down her cheeks.
She gave her back to the mirror and she slid down, sitting on the cold floor and the mirror's cold glass against her back. She hugged her knees closer as she hid her face and started crying all over again. Abdullah's words kept repeating in her mind. How was she supposed to get over this? She doubted if she can take it any longer. She carried too much hurt and pain in her heart. She held onto the pain, because it was all that she had left of Jenan. She remembered the last day she spent with Jenan. She never expected anything like that to happen. Who would have guessed?
Rayan put her hands together as she lifted her head. She prayed with tears blurring her vision. She prayed for Jenan. She prayed for herself, for god to help her and heal this hurt. She prayed and hoped that Jenan was in a better place. She prayed for Abdullah, that god would forgive him and heal the pain he's feeling too. She asked god to help her, to guide her. She was lost in a cold world.
Crying drained her energy, after crying and letting out all the hurt and anger she had in her, she tucked herself in bed and went to sleep.
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