Something different.. (3)

This is something a bit up close and personal.
Tell me if you can relate to this...


-
Take a look at me, and I bet you I'll be smiling.


Conversate with me, and I bet you I'll make you snicker.


Take a walk with me, and I bet you I'll be impressive.


Open up to me, and I bet you I'll be very sympathetic.


Tell me you need me, and I bet you I'll always be there.


Share your dreams with me, and I bet you I'll support you no matter what.


Love me, and I bet you I'll be nothing but loving in return.


And I promise you, my friend, I will do all that is in my power for you to not feel the way I do.


Because as happy as I may seem to be, that does not repudiate the pain.


And that late at night, when I am alone,


surrounded by nothing but the walls,


and the loneliness decides to crawl back in,


It drags all the pain with it.


The pain of being mistreated.


And the hurt of being lied to.


And the ache of a broken heart.


The agony of being left behind.


But most of all, the anguish of being unacknowledged.


-
I know I've been posting a lot of stuff like these instead of continuing the story, but I'm just not inspired to continue it, yet.

Tell me what you think?

Something different.. (2)

No, "Something different" is not the new story. 
Its a series of random poems I'm gonna post because I feel like it.
I would love to get more of your feedback about it!


-

"You look good." the words slip out of his mouth.
But I desperately wish the voice was yours.


His strong scent makes me dizzy.
But if it was yours, I wouldn't mind at all.


His loud laugh attracts attention.
But if it was yours, I'd be laughing with you.


His hair looks messy, like he doesn't even take the time.
But if it was yours, I'd think it looks appealing.


He tells jokes that I've heard before, I giggle.
But if it was you telling me the same jokes, I'd laugh like I heard something new.


I notice how his socks match the color of his shoes, and it looks ridiculous.
But if it was you, I'd be impressed by the color collection of your socks.


He reads me news I don't care about it.
But if it was you, I'd find them thought-provoking.


He smiles at me a lot.
But if it was you, I'd find mesmerizing ever single time.


His clothing looks too conventional.
But if it was you, you'd make them look exquisite.


He tells me has had a pleasant time and would like to do it again.
But I secretly wish I'd do it with you.

Something different...

So this just popped into my mind today and I decided to post it.
Tell me what you think. Would you like more of it?


-

The first day of university, a new course, new classes, new faces.


I walk through the sliding glass doors, Starbucks right in front of me, causing the smell of freshly brewed coffee to trickle my nostrils, making me crave a latte.


I stand in queue, and in front of me, only 3 people away, I recognize your tall manly figure.


I slowly back away, because even being close to you starts to hurt.


I take a seat all alone, and just look at the people swifting by me.


I  notice you talking to your group of friends, your female friends.
But the fire of jealousy doesn't ignite anymore, I guess you're not mine no more.


I walk into class and see you sitting with your friend.


I pretend not to notice you, like you don't exist anymore.


I hear someone call out your name, and I hear you reply with a chuckle.
But my heart  doesn't skip a beat at the mention of your name, I guess it doesn't make me proud to have you no more.


Leaving class, I see you smiling at me, I look away.
But the spell of your smile is no longer casted on me, I guess it doesn't put me out of my misery no more.


I see you talking to her and holding her hand.
But it doesn't make me sad to know that you moved on, I guess I'm not waiting for you no more.


I notice how you smile when you notice her.
But I don't wish I was her, I guess I don't want to be yours no more.


I see you joking around and being the bubbly you I've always known.
But I don't smile at the image of you being happy, I guess I don't love you no more.


And this by far, is the best lie I've ever managed to construct.
The lie I desperately want to believe.

Confessions.43

This post goes out for @twistintimex and @nevertrusthim. I love the support and feedback I get from you guys:(

-

She found herself awake on her bed, tossing and turning and unable to sleep. She knew what she had to do. She was obliged to do it. But she had no guts whatsoever. In the darkness, she picked her blackberry and the lighting blinded her eyes temporarily. She read the clock, 4:51. Her fingers glided over the touch screen and she clicked on the bbm application. Neither Abdullah nor Hamad have updated their statuses or changed display pictures. Rayan was worried about Abdullah, he would go to very far distances. And she knew what he was capable of.


She opened a new blank chat with Abdullah. Her fingers danced along the buttons on her keyboard, her mind told a million lines and apologies, her heart cried out in pain, but the courage was nowhere to be found. She found herself typing several paragraphs full of "I'm sorry" and "I know you hate me" and then deleting them all, settling back at square zero. After a long dreadful 15 minutes of thinking and organizing thoughts, she settled with the long speech she had typed.


Rayan:
Hey. Abdullah wallah madrey shagoulek.I know you have every right to hate me, I feel so guilty, ashamed. Adrey ena ely sawaitah ghala6, 9adegney I'm so sorry. Gouley shloun I can fix  this ou aw3edik asawey ely tabeeh. 3aboud wallah asfaa jad. Madrey shloun rethait'ha 3ala nafsey.Bas madrey. 7ail 7asait eney thay3a. Ou madrey shloun ana kalamtah wallah 3baid madrey. Forgive me?:( 3abadbad:(?


As soon as she sent that message, she kept staring at it for a few seconds, not believing she had finally gathered up the strength to do it. She noticed that Abdullah had read the message and instantly tossed her phone away. She buried her face into her pillow and screamed. She knew Abdullah had replied, and her stomach twisted just thinking about what he might have said.


After talking herself into it, she picked up her blackberry again and, with shaky fingers, opened up her conversation with Abdullah. His reply wasn't as long as her first message, but it was exactly what she needed.


Abdullah:
Ga3ed 7ag el9alat. Awal shay ana ma akrehech. Musta7eel akrehech Rayan 7awlay testaw3ebain ana laish ga3ed asawey chthey. 3abalech mo khayef 3alaich? 3abalech ana astanes lma ashoufech ga3da hal 7aza ou adrey enech bachya bachey sena eb sa3a? 3al aqal entay estaw3abtay shenu ghal6etech before its too late. Wallah kel hatha 7ag ma9la7tech..



As she read it, she could almost hear his voice say those words out loud. She could almost imagine the anger in his voice and the pained expressions on his face. Surprisingly, she stopped crying after that. Deciding to get up and pray, she rubbed her eyes and blinked repeatedly, feeling like they were almost dried out.


On the other hand, on the other side of the problem, Abdullah was sitting in the garden in the backyard of their house. He was smoking his lungs out, with nothing on his mind but the image of Rayan in the arms of another man. Jealousy raged inside him. It started the fire inside him, he pictured the warmth of her touch, the comfort of her giggle and everything he fell in love with, go to waste with another man who will never appreciate them.


He was smoking his 3rd cigarette when his mother walked outside to him, "3abdullah 7abeebey shfeek?" she asked as she pulled a chair and sat  across from him. "Ma feeney shay yuma la t7ateen." he whispered as he put out the cigarette. "7abeebey la tkhesh 3an umek, gouley shelly mthaygek." she whispered and only hoped her son would open up to her "Yuma bas2elich su2al ou jawbeeney bedoun ma tes2leeney laish ou sh7aga ou menu. Bafahmech kel shay b3dain enzain?" he said and he felt nervous to finally say it out loud.


"Enshallah 7abeebey bas gouley." she said as she extended and arm to hold his hand, she smiled and wrinkles started to form on her face. Abdullah chuckled, "Etha geltlich abech takh6beenly wa7da, betwafqeen? 7ata law ehia 9gheera?" Abdullah asked hesitantly. His mothers face lit up, "Hathey elsa3a lmbareka 7abeebey! Wanastney wallah, ou ana a7atey agoul yemkin ma yfaker yetzawaj." she said and they both chuckled.


Abdullah remained silent with a smile on his face. "Bas laish 9gheera? Abdullah 7arram 3alaik la takheth wa7da tawha 9gheera 3al zawaj. Tara mas2uleya mo le3ba." she said and then watched the smile on her son's face slowly fade away. "Yuma ehia 3agelha kbeer. Ou ana khayef akhserha wla trou7 3alay! Ga3ed a7es enha ga3da t'thee3 mney. Tekfain yuma, abeeha." he said, his eyes staring into his mothers and she smiled. "Rayan?" she asked, as if she read it written all over his face.


Abdullah shivered at the mention of her name. "Eeh yuma Rayan." he said and scratched the back of his neck out of frustration. His mother smiled at him, "Khala9 rou7 nam ou ma y9eer kha6rek ela 6ayeb." she said as she got up. Abdullah stood up too and wrapped his arms around his mother, "3asaney man7erem menich." he said after planting a kiss on her forehead.


-
The next morning, Abdullah woke up earlier than usual and headed to Rayan's place. He knew Rayan would skip school today so he went to get her a latte and her favorite sandwich from starbucks.


Rayan never slept that night, she lay on her bed with her eyes wide open. Guilt was eating her alive. When she heard the sound of her father's footsteps, making their way downstairs, she knew it was time to get up. She looked at the clock that read 7:41 am and sighed. Pushing away the covers, she exposed her bare long skinny legs to the coldness of the AC. She did her daily routine consisted of a quick shower and brushing her teeth and then made her way downstairs.


"9aba7 elkhair." she said to her father who had his mug of coffee placed in front of him and the newspaper in his hand. He didn't reply, he didn't even look at her. She let out a breathe and headed to the stairs. Just when she was about to climb the stairs and cry herself to sleep in her room, the door swung open and Abdullah walked inside.


She turned around to look at who was there and instantly smiled. Abdullah was struggling with the door, because he had 2 drinks, a sandwich and a cookie in hand. Rayan ran to him and helped him with the door. He smiled at her, even though every time he looked at her, the images of what he had seen earlier started forming in his head. Faisal only looked up at Abdullah and smiled half a smile.


Rayan led the way to her room and Abdullah followed quietly. As soon as the door was shut, Rayan started apologizing to Abdullah, and she felt like another breakdown was very close. "Shhhh! La tkhafeen, mo za3lan 3alaich." Abdullah said with a grin on his face, as he gave her her latte and the sandwich. Rayan smiled, "Thank you." she said in a hush tone but Abdullah didn't hear her.


"T7beenah?" Abdullah asked when they were both quiet. He looked up at her with eyes wishing she would shake her head and say no. But instead, Rayan nodded and said: "wayed.". Abdullah was hurt, Rayan was looking right through him. "Enzain laish bas fahmeeney laish?" he asked, trying his best to control his jealousy.


A tear trickled down Rayan's cheeks, and Abdullah automatically hated the man for making her cry and putting her through it. "Madrey... 7asaiatah ykhaf 3alay ou he cares about me. I need that, awal marra a7es fe a7ad  yghar 3alay ou y7ebney. A3tref, shu3our 7elu." she said and another tear followed.


She didn't notice that the man sitting in front of her loved her to death. Abdullah cared for Rayan like no one else ever did or will. He was jealous of the wind that would blow by and smell the scent of her perfume. Abdullah was jealous of her friends, that get to see her every day. But most importantly, Abdullah was jealous of Hamad, who managed to get Rayan the way Abdullah wished.


"Shbetsaween al7een?" Abdullah asked, he hoped she would tell him she ended it. Rayan was quiet, "Bastekheer." she said and Abdullah only nodded in returm. "Enzain Rayoun la testa3yelain 3ala shay. 9adgeeney btelgain ely y7ebech ou yqadrech. Ou hatha law 9ej y7ebech chan ma retha ye6la3 ma3ach ou ylemech. Ou law 9ej ykhaf 3alaich chan khaf 3ala sumetech, chan khaf 3alaich mthel ma ykhaf 3ala khawatah." Abdullah said before walking out, leaving the door half open.


Rayan was thinking about what Abdullah had said, but her thoughts were interrupted by the ringing of her phone. Hamad was calling, "perfect timing." she mumbled to herself and picked up the phone.


"Aloo?" she whispered and she heard Hamad sigh. "Entay wainech! Enshallah ma tkhaleeney a7ateech chthey!" he said and Rayan sighed. "Hamad khayfa." she whispered and Hamad was caught off guard. "7ayatey if you're scared what we're doing is wrong, we can make it right." he said and that was all Rayan needed to hear.


Hamad was surprised, he never thought he would offer that kind of thing for a girl. But Rayan was different, not all she needs to knows is if he is willing to go through with it, or if he's all talk.

Confessions.42

Let me clarify one thing: What you're reading right now is a flashback. I'm narrating a memory over here. Go back to the first chapter and re-read it before attacking me, sheesh. And don't rush things, everything will be crystal clear as I go on with the story.

-

She got into the car with flushed cheeks and a crooked smile on her face. "Ha estanastay?" Abdullah asked as he started driving out of the parking lots. Rayan sighed, recalling the events, "Wayed." she said as she grinned. "Ma sharaitay shay?" he asked her, noticing that she had no bags in her hand. "La ma legait shay." she said, choosing the first excuse that pops into her mind. Abdullah nodded, "Shfeeh chthey wayhech? Shda3wa chthey mestansa." he said, almost getting suspicious. Rayan's palms started sweating, "Haw shenu ya3ney ma astanes?" she said and Abdullah only gave her an awkward stare. "9ayra mo 6abe3eya." he mumbled to himself but Rayan decided to ignore him.


She noticed that Hamad had bbm-ed her saying he wanted to talk to her before she slept, and Rayan only grinned with a shy expression on her face. "La jad entay fech shay!" Abdullah exclaimed a little too loudly. "Enta shfeek? Ya3ney shfeeney mathalan! Ma y9eer ath7ak ou astanes? estaghferallah." she said and gave Abdullah a look that told him to lay off her.


She entered the house and rushed upstairs, her father had a questioning look on her face because she didn't greet him the way she always did. Abdullah walked in behind her and closed the door forcefully. "Huh! Sh9ayer yuba sh9ayer?" Faisal asked as he got up, showing how very suspicious he was. "Shdaraney 3anha! Madrey shloun 9ayra!" Abdullah said, waving his hands in the air indicating that he was very pissed. "Shesalfa?" Faisal asked as he noticed Rayan coming down the stairs. She ignored his question and walked into the kitchen to get herself a bottle of cold water.


"Ehia madrey shloun 9ayra! Entay ma3a menu 6al3a?" Abdullah said, directing the question straight at Rayan before she could climb up the stairs. She turned to glare at Abdullah, "Shqa9dek?" she asked as she walked to where they were standing. Faisal was about to speak but Rayan spoke first, "La7tha la7tha. Gouley gouley shqa9dek." Rayan said, her voice rising out of pure anger. "Entay fahma shqa9dey! Ou la t9arkheen la kaff!" Abdullah shouted and Faisal had a very doubtful expression on his face.


"Sh9ayer?" Her father asked, and they both went quiet. Abdullah picked up his phone and his cigarette pack and said: "Ana barou7 3ashan akhaleech tgoulinlah ma3a menu kentay 3end elbawaba." before walking towards the door and shutting it forcefully behind him again.


"Shesalfa yuba! Sh9ayer shemsawya entay?" he father asked as he turned to look at her. Rayan broke down crying. Guilt ran through her veins and spread all around her body, and her mind kept telling her that neither Abdullah nor her father would ever forgive her for what she has done. She knew it was wrong, she knew it wasn't the kind of thing Rayan was raised to do. But she still did  it, because her heart told her no other.


She cried until she ran out of tears, and her father only sat next to her. A million things running through his mind but he didn't want to believe any. "Rayan. La tgouleen..." he asked and Rayan interrupted him with a nod. "Eeh yuba eeh. Ana kalamt wa7ed ou 7abaita ou 6ala3t m3ah ou sawait kel ely enta rabaitney 3ala enah ghala6." she said, all in one breath and then hugged her knees a little bit tighter and continued crying.


An expression of disappointment washed over her father's face and it only killed her to notice it. He stiffened in his place, and then got up as he started to mumble a few prayers to himself. "Atmana enich t3adleen mn seloukech. Ou lei ma t9al7een elkha6a2 ely sawaiteeh, la entay bentey wala a3arfech." he said and then continued walking his way to his room.


Rayan knew that the blame was hers to take. She pulled herself together and walked up to her room, she noticed that her phone was ringing and the caller ID read "Hamad.". Her heart only ached more but she had no other decision but to reply.


She picked it up as she pressed the phone against her ear. Hamad heard her sobs very clearly and was alarmed. "Rayan?" he said, but her sobs were too loud for him to play stupid. "Rayouna shfeeech? Sh9ayer?" he asked,, Rayan refused to speak. After a few minutes of silence, Hamad put the pieces to the puzzle together.


"La tgoulin fe a7ad shafna." he said, his voice full of fear. "Eeh." she said in between sobs and Hamad only felt scared for her. "Rayan la t'thaygeen khelgich 7abeebtey 3ashaney. Gouliley shenu tabeeney asawey ou ana mest3ed." Hamad whispered, his words soothing all the pain. "Hamad, akalmek b3dain." she said and then hung up on him instantly. His voice only made her feel a little too guilty and she couldn't bare listening to it.


She was still in her clothes, the ones she wore to 360. And her eyeliner was smudged. Her mascara lines ran down along with her tears and she didn't bother wiping them away.


She took of her clothes, as if they were burning her skin and put on something she had from Jenan. The clothes they always shared and never gave back. She cried a little harder, knowing her friend would have been very let down if she was still here. She managed to pull out a scarf, even though her tears were blurring her vision and wrapped it around her eyes. She sat down on the cold floor, her back pressed against wall.


"I don't even want to look at myself right now. I can't help but feel disgusted with myself. I'm so sorry Jenan. I need you right now. I can't even keep myself on the right path anymore. I feel so cheap and easy and just.... I can't take it. I see you everywhere. I hear your voice in my head instead of my own. I miss having your shoulder to lean on. I miss you scolding me and then hugging me. I need you to teach me right from wrong. Its so hard now without my mom. And my father hates me. I can't do this anymore. The pain only grows with every passing day. I can't take it anymore. Abdullah hates me too. I need him so much right now. But I know I let him down. He respected me, he cared for me. But I screwed it up. It hurts too much. Its hard to deal with the fact that you're gone, and never coming back. Why? Why you and not me? I don't deserve to live. I need you to hold me in your arms, take the pain away and tell me this is all just a test. I need to hear your voice, your laugh, because it reminds me how nothing is worth our tears. I don't want to feel this way anymore. Are you looking down upon me right now? You're not proud of me, are you? I know, I'm ashamed of myself. I never thought I would need you this much. I knew it was going to be hard, but I never imagined it to be like this. It burns like a hole in my heart. Every piece of my heart aches for you. Everything I do, right or wrong, reminds me of you. What hurts the most? Is knowing that no matter how much I hurt, no matter how hard I cry, I'll never get to see you again. I'll never get to hear your voice again. I'll never get to make you laugh again. And I'll never get to feel your arms around me again. And that kills me every time I think about it. I miss you."


She said and them calmed down a little. She knew what she had to do, and that was exactly what she as going to do.

Confessions.41

Before you guys start reading, I just want to tell you this:
I'm ending this story as soon as possible and just quit blogging. No new story, no twitter account, no nothing. Its NOTHING personal, I just feel like I've been getting more hate than admiration. And the accusations? LOL. Stop overreacting. This is just a story.
What difference would it make if you know whether it was fiction or real? What difference would it make to know who I am?
So yes, I'm ending it in 10 posts, max 15.
I'm extremely grateful for all the positive feedback and the friends I've made, but this just isn't working.


-
"Welahtay 3alay?" he asked as she had her face buried inside his chest, his arms wrapped around her and hers covering her teary eyes. "Waayed." she said with a shakey voice, but she refused to cry in front of everyone, in the middle of the airport. With all that she had of power, she pulled away from her father's hug. "7emdillah 3al salama yal 3am!" exclaimed Abdullah as he gave Rayan's father a hug and a smack on the back. They chuckled as they kept chit chatting about Faisal's trip to London.


Rayan slid her petite body under her father's arm and he placed his arm on her shoulder. She wrapped her arms around his waist and he pulled her in and kissed the top of her head as they were walking out of the doors of the airport.


"Yebtlech kel ely tabeenah." her father said as they were watching Abdullah place the luggage in the trunk of his car. Rayan's smile stretched a little wider and she clapped in excitement. Abdullah and her father both chuckled as her father shook his head, "wala 3umrey ra7 afham shely ywanes lma teshtreen hdoum." he said and Abdullah chuckled a little louder. "Shfahamkum entaw." Rayan said as she flipped her perfectly straightened hair at them dramatically and got into the car.


Today has been a very good day for Rayan, she had breakfast in the Avenues with Abdullah, then headed to the airport to pick up her father. But most importantly, she was excited to see Hamad today. It has been 2 weeks since they opened up to each other, and it only made them grow a little closer to each other with every passing day. She told Abdullah she was going out with Zaina, and it killed her to lie to him. The deal was that she meets Hamad in caribou coffee and they spend some time together, just like the first time he approached her.


Abdullah turned on the radio and the music pulled Rayan out of her thoughts."Allaaah!" she exclaimed as she stretched her hands all the way from the back seat just to turn up the volume. Hall of fame by The Script was playing and both Abdullah and Faisal started laughing.


Rayan was bobbing her head and mumbling the lyrics softly. "Standing in the hall of fammeee." Abdullah started singing and Rayan smiled. "And the worlds gonna know your name." Rayan sang and her father chuckled. "Cause you burn with the wildest flame." she continued, Abdullah kept quiet. He always knew that she had a good voice, but he admired her enthusiasm and the way she controlled her tone.


Rayan sang the lyrics to the whole song, her voice not louder than the radio but still heard by Abdullah and Faisal. At the end of the song, her father let out a chuckle, "Ma theba7teena entay ou hal aghaney?" he said and Abdullah laughed. Rayan gasped, "3eshqeyyy el'abadeyy The Script!" she stated and Abdullah remained silent. He enjoyed the way her father teased her and she teased back.


"Etha maney ghal6an, hathoul 3endhum 7afla b'London b3ad shahar. Sheday 7ailech b'emti7anatech ou ana a7jezlkum entay Ou 3baid. Shrayek?" he said and then directed the question to Abdullah. "DEAL!" Rayan said as she jumped from the backseat and half hugged her father. Abdullah chuckled, "Khanshouf yemkin 3baid 3endah sheghl wla derasa." her father said and Rayan turned to look at Abdullah with pleading eyes. He laughed at the way her eyes begged him to say yes, and the way her lips were ready to form a huge grin. "La ma 3endey shay. Khala9 tewakal." he said to Faisal and Rayan chuckled with excitement.


"Bas haaa! Sheday 7ailech!" her father said and Rayan said she would do her best. Excitement was filling Rayan and she liked it. She looked forward to it, she even started making up outfits in her head for the days she would spend with Abdullah.


As soon as she got back home, she helped her father with unpacking. And her smile grew a little wider every time he pulled out something he had bought for her. In the middle of unpacking, her father pulled out a baseball jacket from Franklin and Marshall and said, "T3aal 3baid yebtah 7agek." he said as he ushered for Abdullah to come.


Abdullah stood next to Rayan as he watched her father take the jacket out of the bag. A frown drew on Abdullah's face, "3amey tawney sharey nafsah." he said. Rayan chuckled, "Khala9 ana akhthah." she said, and the only thing on her mind was how good Hamad would look in it. She gently took the jacket from her father and placed it on the bed. Pulling out her blackberry, she bbm-ed Hamad.

Rayan:
What size do you wear?

Hamad:
M. Laish?

She checked the tag on the jacket and read the size. Her heart did a little happy dance as her smile stretched from ear to ear.

Rayan:
Yay! I have a surprise for you:p

Hamad:
Mabey surprise bas abeech. Shouftech brou7ha surprise.

Rayan:
Cutie:px

Hamad:
Shayfatney yahel? Layan ana?

Rayan:
LOOOOLL eeh you're my baby:p

Hamad:
Chub.


Rayan told her father that she wanted the jacket for a friend and he nodded. She grabbed the jacket, along with the various things her dad had brought her, and rushed to her room.


The clock was ticking a bit closer to 6 with every passing second and Rayan was getting ready. She put on a simple french maxi black dress and paired it with a double wrap golden belt. She accessorised with golden earrings and wore Jenan's love bracelet from Cartier. She waved her hair into big loose curls that framed her face, applied her eyeliner a little too dramatically this time and smeared a dark shade of red lipstick on her lips.


She wore her black heels from Tory Burch and sprayed some of Rihanna's perfume, Rebl Flewr. She neatly folded the Franklin and Marshall jacket on her arm and headed downstairs to inform Abdullah that she was ready to go.


Her heels made a sound that echoed into Abdullah's ears and he looked up to find her, looking as beautiful and graceful as ever. For a second, he felt like she literally took his breath away. He smiled, "Yallah meshaina?" he asked and she nodded. He got up and opened the main door for her. She walked past him as he inhaled her scent, and he wished he could save it for later.


He stopped the car in front of one of the entrances to 360,"Meta tabeen akhthech?" Abdullah asked, trying his best not to stare. "Madrey. Ana maney m6awla. Akhale9 ou adeg 3alaik?" she said with a smile even though her mind told her she shouldn't be smiling. She was lying to his face. "Khala9 Oki, have fun." Abdullah said and waved as Rayan got out of the car and he only stared at the figure of her until it faded into the crowd.


She dialed his number and he picked it up instantly, "Wainek?" she asked in a whisper. She hated walking through a shopping mall alone, but she would do anything for Hamad. Her heart ached, and her mind only kept asking her heart one question:
"Would you have done this if Jenan was still here?"


"Na6rech b'caribou." he said and she imagined the grin on his face grow a little wider. She walked all the way to caribou and he remained on the phone with her. He spotted her beautiful hair and her delicate smile between the crowd and he hung up. He noticed her eyes scanning the room, pleading and waiting to meet his. He walked up to her and she only noticed him when he was a few steps away.


She smiled and looked at her shoes, and Hamad chuckled at her. He moved closer and touched her hands. She instantly intertwined her fingers with his and her body shivered. Hamad smiled as he looked at their hands, the way they perfectly fit. He gently pulled her to the table he had reserved and pulled a seat for her. "Thank you." Rayan whispered as she sat down and Hamad sat across from her.


They sat silently, she stared at her gold painted nails and he stared right at her. Admiring the time she may have spent on perfecting her hair and eyeliner. "Shfeech mesta7ya?" Hamad said and Rayan only noticed that his voice sounded a lot better in reality. She chuckled, still avoiding meeting his gaze. He extended his arm across the table and she placed her hand in his. He pulled her hand closer to his lips and planted a kiss. Rayan stared at his eyes, and she noticed how they were a very appealing shade of brown. And they stared directly at her, almost as if he stared at her bare soul.


"Me7lawa." he said and Rayan chuckled. "Thank you." she said as she regained her confident posture. "Tabeen ashtreelich shay tshrbeena?" he asked, getting ready to get up. "Eeeh bas bagoum ma3ak." she said as she got up and placed the jacket on her seat. Hamad also left his phone and his drink on the table, to indicate that this table was taken.


She stood next to him in the queue, and looked up at him. He was taller than her, and she only reached his collar bones in her heels. "Cham 6oulek?" she asked as she looked up at him again with a chuckle. "Malech sheghl." he said as he took a step forward to the counter.


Hamad kindly ordered Rayan to go have a seat until he waits for her drink and she nodded. She smiled to herself, she loved the way he always stole a glance at her, and the way he paid for her drink, and the way he complimented her hair.


They spent an hour talking and teasing each other, and Rayan would have never wanted it to end. Hamad told her that it was time to go home because he didn't want her dad to get suspicious, and that it was getting a bit late. After calling Abdullah to inform him that she was ready to go hom, she got up and he stood in front of her. By that time, Caribou was almost empty, the people had disappeared and they were all alone.


"Lemeeney." he whispered, almost as if he almost needed her hug. She threw herself into his open arms. And it felt like she had entered a new world, where his hard chest was the land, his arms wrapped around her were the towers and skyscrapers, and his scent was the air she needed to breathe. His heartbeats were loud and clear and Rayan only focused on them and nothing else. He kissed her forehead rested his chin on her head, while running a hand through her curls.


Rayan was so comfortable to be in his arms, she didn't want to let go. "Yallah baba lazem trou7een. 9ar kelah shabab." Hamad whispered and Rayan loosened her grip. She picked up the jacket and looked at him, "Elbesah." she said with a puppy face and Hamad surrendered. "Labseeney." he said as he crossed his arms and Rayan chuckled. "9ej my baby." she said as she unfolded the jacket and helped Hamad put it on.


Hamad smiled at her, "Mashkoura." he said as he seemed very comfortable in the jacket. "Ma bena." she said as her cheeks turned red for the 100th time that night. Hamad made a hand gesture that meant he was ready to walk her to the entrance where Abdullah said he would wait for her and Rayan nodded.


They walked side by side and he held her hand. He made sure to walk her to the gate right before she would exit, but before she left Hamad pulled her in for one last hug.


"A7ebech." he whispered into her ears and Rayan's heart skipped a beat. "I love you too, my hubby." she said and Hamad pulled her closer. "Gouliha bel3arabey." he said being stubborn and Rayan chuckled. "7eta ana a7ebik." she said and Hamad let go of her. "Wain boustey?" he asked as he gave her his right chick. Rayan hesitated at first but the gave him a quick kiss on the cheek and walked out.


Hamad sighed, he had grown closer to Rayan and was beginning to fall harder. Love, as they may call it. But as he watched her disappear from his view, she was appearing into someone else's view. Abdullah's view, who may also start to love Rayan.

Confessions.40

Before I even start with the post, let me say this.
Wow. To the person sending me hate on ask.fm, keep going. You make me laugh. I honestly pity people like you.
And to the people trying too hard to find out who I am and expose me, khefaw 3alaina ya gossip girl.:p 
Stop trying too hard, I'm not threatened by people like you. But I just think you should respect my decision to stay anonymous. I will not hesitate to block people who talk to me just to "ysa7boun 7achey", I'm not stupid:p.
And YES, I have revealed to a decent amount of people whom I am truly fond of. So stop asking me about that,

And now, the post.


-
Previously...
She rushed upstairs and into her room and locked the door behind her.She anticipated to hear Hamad's voice, telling her everything will be Oki. She desperately needed him. She needed him to whisper his comforting words through the phone. She needed him to work his magic and make her smile.


She dialed his number and pressed her phone against her ear, her tears started streaming down her cheecks but she kept wiping them. "Alooo?" a soft girly voice said through the phone and Rayan was left speechless. She pulled the phone and away and read the contact ID again, making sure it was Hamad. And it was positive. She remained silent. "Aloo?" the girl said again and then innocently chuckled.


"Goulay aloo." she heard Hamad whisper to the girl and the she did as he said. Rayan cleared her throat and tried to listen carefully. "Goulay shlounech?" he whispered a little too loudly, loud enough for Rayan to make sense of what he was doing. "Shlounech?" the girl said and Rayan smiled. "Goulay Rayounaaa la tez3leeen." Hamad whispered again and the girl said it in a whining tone.


The girl went quiet for a few second, "Mwaah a7ebichh waaaayed." she said and Rayan heard Hamad chuckle. "Khala9 3a6eeney." Hamad said and in a matter of seconds, the girl's voice faded away. "Aloo." Hamad said with a grin on his face. Rayan was smiling the whole time, "Menu hathey?" she asked and couldn't help but turn into all pretty shades of red.


Hamad couldn't help but chuckle, "Tekfain 9awray wayhech al7een. A7esah yge6 alwaan." he said in his manly voice along with a chuckle and Rayan giggled. Hamad let out a deep breath, "Hathey, allah ysalmech, Layan bent ekhtey." he said and Rayan asked him how old she was. "LAYAAAAN! CHAM 3UMRECH?" Hamad asked out loud, and Layan replied with "KHAAMSAAA." They both chuckled, "Tra a3aref cham 3umerha bas a7eb a6aferha." he said and Rayan was smiling like an idiot.


"T7ebha?" she asked out of the blue and Hamad roared with laughter. "Tghareen menha? Eeh a7ebha ou amout feha ba3ad." Hamad said, teasing Rayan because he knew how jealous she could get. "Allah ykhaleha lekum." Rayan said shyly and Hamad smiled, "Ou ykhaleech ley enshallah."



After Hamad had successfully made her smile and laugh, he asked her what was wrong. She took a second to try to remember what was wrong, and then she recalled the events that occurred earlier that day. She smiled because for a few minutes, Hamad made her forget she was upset in the first place. And she never thought she would find someone with that kind of power over her. "Maku shay. I'm fine now." she said with an easy smile plastered on her face. "Akeed? You can talk to me, I'll listen." he said and the butterflies living in Rayan's stomach were brought to life.


"Thanks." she said in almost a whisper. Hamad loved the way she was always shy around him, even when she tried too hard not to show it. He loved her delicate smile and feminine behaviours. He was very fond of her, and he never believed any girl would impress him like she does everyday.


"Tadreen eney meshtaglech? Eldawam malal bedoun shouftech." he said and she sensed the sadness in his voice. Rayan sighed, "Bas yred obouy enshallah arou7 maa3ah." she said with a smile and Hamad sighed in return.


For a couple of minutes, they both went quite. Hamad wanted Rayan to start the conversation because he wanted her to break through her shyness. He loved the way she whispered when she was shy. And the way she tried her best to hide her goofy laugh. Or when her voice rises out of excitement. And the way she endlessly talked about fashion and her favorite designers and how she couldn't wait for the next collection, and he would just throw random comments as if he was in on the subject.


"Ma hagaitek t7eb elyahal." Rayan said and then snickered. Hamad gasped dramatically, "Amout fehum! A9lan enshallah etha allah ketab ou tezawajt, batres baitey  yahal. Abey chthey 11 wla 12 yahel." he said, a litte overwhelmed. Rayan snickered again, "Shaklek btakheth ga6wa mo mara." she said and they both laughed.


Rayan flinched at the image of Hamad marrying a girl who isn't her. She drowned in her own thoughts, but Hamad's voice pulled her back. "Allah ywafegna etha fe ne9eeb." he said and Rayan's world brightened. "Yesma3 menik." she whispered and Hamad just smiled.


"Enzain rayouna." Hamad said. Rayan's heart skipped a beat whenever he called her that.

"Hala?"

"Abeech tgouliley kel shay. Open up to me."

"I'll try."

"Start by telling me what happened today."

Rayan sighed, she didn't want to discuss it with anyone. She hated being told that she was wrong. "Madrey ya3ney tara ma7eb." she said.

"Mo lazem t7been. I want to get to know you. I need you to trust me."


She sighed as she let the words flow."As you know, omey ou obouy.... Threy're divorced. Ou ana kent 7adey m3a9ba 3ala omey. I can't believe she just left. 7ata ma galatley laish ou sh7aga! Ou lma agoulaha kel shay yen7al tgouley entay la tetdakhelain. Ya3ney shloun ma atdakhal? It effects me ya3ney... Ou kanat kel ma tdeg a7gerha, I carried too much anger. And I miss her so much. I don't know how I'm missing her when she was never really here. Bas madrey ya3ney..."

And she stopped because her tears got the best of her. Hamad sighed, every time he sighed, Rayan would find it comforting in some kind of way. It was weird but cute at the same time. "7as fech." he said, pain written all over his voice.


"Your turn, tell me." she said.

"Ana omey ou obouy mo met6algeen. But I wish they were. Allah ysalmech, obouy 3a9abey 7ail. Ana kebart ou ana asma3ah ygoul 7ag omey entay mo kafu 7asheema ou ma teswain. Terabait 3ala ele7ba6 ou elesloub ely ma yser elwa7ed. Kan kela ygouley menu elkhebla ely btertha fek? Kan kela ygoul 7ag okhouy ent ghabey. Ou kela ygoul ena e7na mo kafu nsheel esmah."


Rayan broke down crying. She sobbed hysterically and cried out all the anger she had bottled inside. "Laa tabcheen 7abeebtey entay!" Hamad exclaimed and Rayan couldn't help but cry harder.


She realized that she wasn't the only person with so much pain on her shoulder and sorrow in her heart. Hamad remained silent until he noticed her breathing slowly turning into a more calm pace. "Awal marra agoul hal7achey 7ag a7ad ou a7es enah halshakh9 7as feeney. Entay ma tadreen ana shkther a3ezich ou akhaf 3alaich." he said. Nonetheless of the fact that her cheeks were covered with streams of tears, she still blushed. "7eta ana." she said and Hamad only smiled and thanked god for bringing such a person into his life.


She went to sleep early that night, with Hamad on the other side of the phone. They never said good night, but remained quiet until both of them fell asleep.


-
First of all, I want to thank everyone for the comments and feedback.
I love each and every one of you.
And from now on, I will be sticking to this policy: The more comments, the faster I post.
Mean?:p






 

Confessions.39

Ashouf el'comments gam soug'hum:p
THANK YOU F FOR  THE AMAZING COMMENT! I would like to see more of that.:p
Now, confessions.39 as promised!


-
School has now become Rayan's least favorite place, after it was the place for memories with Jenan. She spaced out, thinking and worrying about the gathering today. The gathering Abdullah was forcing her to attend. She worried about facing her mother, and admitting she has been ignoring her.


The bell rang, indicating the girls were dismissed for the day. Rayan gathered her English books and forcefully shoved them inside her backpack. She picked up her pen and threw it inside before zipping the bag.


Zaina was absent that day, so Rayan walked out of the school gates alone and started to look around. She searched for her driver at the spot he always parked in, but he wasn't there. She sighed as she decided to wait for him with a group of girls she knew from last year.


The girls were randomly talking, complaining about the upcoming exams. But Rayan noticed one of the girls nudge the other with her elbow and point her chin at a certain direction. Rayan turned around to see Abdullah getting out of his car, wearing his baggy navy training pants from Franklin Marshall and a white v-neck top, making his way towards her.


Rayan let out a breath as she turned around and slowly walked towards him. "Ha shlounech?" Abdullah asked as he carried her bag for her. She smiled at him, "3adey, maku shay ydeed." she said and they ended their conversation at that. Rayan looked up to see girls staring at them, but mostly at Abdullah.


Getting in the car, she stole a glance at Abdullah. He was wearing his Oakley sunglasses, and she noticed that his hair had grown a little and he his beard had grown too. She remembered the way Hamad didn't like to grow his beard, he said it bothered him. Rayan smiled at the thought of him, and his voice never left her mind.


"Elsa3a 4 ne6la3 mn hney 7ag lzwara." Abdullah said once he parked his car. Rayan ignored him and got inside the house. She rushed upstairs and into her room. She lay on her bed and picked up her blackberry. The first thing she did was check her conversation with Hamad.

Hamad:
kalmeeney awal ma trdeen k?

Rayan:
Radaaitttt:p

Hamad:
How was your day?

Rayan:
It was Oki bas wai3 elyoum zwara..

Hamad:
I want you to go and have a good time Ok? La tkhaleen a7ad ythaygech

Rayan:
Enshallah, thanks babe

Hamad:
Babe wla انبوب

Rayan:
Shaku? LOOOOOOOOL

Hamad:
Tha7aktay wla la? Khala9 chub :p

She laughed out loud at his fail attempt of a joke. She loved how he always replied quickly, even though at this time of the day, he was still in uni. She took off her school uniform and changed into jogging pants and a T-shirt and went downstairs for lunch.


"Annie! Where's Abdullah?" Rayan asked Annie, who was setting up the table for lunch. "He's outside." Annie said as she pointed at his figure through the window. Rayan placed her phone on the kitchen counter and walked outside.


"Mo nawey teg6a3?" she asked as she stood behind Abdullah, who was too busy smoking to notice her presence. He quickly put out the cigarette, "Mo sahel." he said as he turned around to face her, his hands in his pockets. "You can if you want to." she said before walking inside, leaving him outside alone.


After lunch, the clock soon striked 4 and Rayan found herself in Abdullah's car. The smell of cigarettes filled the car, and Rayan shifted uncomfortably in her seat. She rolled down the windows and inhaled the fresh air. Abdullah noticed and pulled out his Prada perfume, he started spraying it. "Ma yafreg. Elree7a qaweya." Rayan said once she noticed him. He quietly put away the perfume and continued driving.


Rayan's grandmother's house came into view, but Abdullah took a U turn and drove away. "Shfeek? Kahu el'bait!" she said out loud and Abdullah soon stopped the car. "Mabey agh9ebech 3la shay, bas ely ga3da tsaweenah ghala6." he said. Rayan looked out the window. "Adrey. 3adey nrou7 al7een?" she said coldly. "3ala ra7tech." he said as he drove back to the gathering.


She stood in fornt of the huge door, and looked down at her clothes. She was wearing a black and white checkered top with her black skinny jeans and a red LV scarf. Her hair was sleeked backwards into a ponytail and her hair was softy curled. Her eyeliner was winged perfectly and her lips were covered with her favorite shade of Kate moss' lipstick.


Abdullah pushed the door open and walked before Rayan, leading the way inside. He was wearing his deshdasha without his ghetra, he stood beside the door and his eyes ordered Rayan to enter first, since her girl cousins may not be covered up.


Rayan walked inside to find her grandmother and aunts, along with their daughters, sitting silently, each busy with his own smart phone. "Elsalaam." Rayan said as she first greeted her grandmother. "7ayallaah mn yana! Wainech bnaytey laish ma nshoufech?" her grandmother said and Rayan just smiled at her, not bothering to reply.


After greeting everyone, she walked back to the main door to find Abdullah gone but the door was slightly open. As she moved closer to the door, she overheard a conversation Abdullah was having with one of her older cousins, Dana.


"Shlounek?" Dana asked in her girly voice, obviously trying too hard. "El7emdillah." Abdullah said awkwardly and Rayan almost giggled. "Ma ra7 tdesh?" Dana asked, and Rayan noticed how she was fiddling with her short hair. Abdullah cleared his throat, "Laa ana lazem amshey." he said, excusing himself but Dana didn't get the hint. Rayan walked outside and interrupted their conversation, "3baid bterou7 al7een?" Rayan asked, pretending not to notice Dana. Abdullah smiled at Rayan as his face lit up, thankful she saved him from the awkwardness. "Eeh laish shfeech? Tabeen trdeen ma3ay?" he asked and Rayan just shook her head, "La bas kent bas2elik etha betrou7 starbucks. Abey latte." she said and Abdullah chuckled, "Enshallah." he said before heading to his car.


Dana was standing awkwardly while Abdullah and Rayan were having a smooth conversation. The minute Abdullah walked away, Dana glared at Rayan as she walked past her and inside the house. Rayan rolled her eyes and followed her inside.


After spending some time with her cousins, her mother walked inside the room and was startled to see Rayan. "Shyaybech?" her mother asked and Rayan got up to greet her. "Haw zwara. Ya3ney khala9 ma aye?" Rayan asked, "Te7achay 3dl." one of her cousins said and Rayan turned around and gave her a "can you please keep it to yourself?" smile.


"Obouch yaybech?" Rayan's mother asked as she sat down two seats away from Rayan. "La obouy msafer." Rayan said as she pulled out her blackberry. "Menu yaybech 3ayal?" Her mother asked again. "Brou7ey." Rayan replied.


"Laa khaltey Abdullah yayebha." Dana said. Rayan was very uncomfortable because of Dana. "Eeeh 9a7 le2ana entay kentay barra ga3da tetlazegain feh." Rayan sadid to Dana with a very cold smile on her face. "Entay shfeech? Ashouf lsanech 9ayer sh6oulah!" Her mother yelled at her and Rayan was glued back to her place.


She sat there silently while everyone was engaged in some kind of conversation. She pulled out her blackberry and bbm-ed Hamad.

Rayan:
I hate this...

Hamad:
Laish? shfeech baba?

Rayan:
Ma9adeg! Esloubhum 9ayer khayes ma3ay ou omey t7eb t'haze'ney jedmahum...

Hamad:
Affaa! Mo malzouma teg3deen, 7abeebtey reday elbait.

Rayan:
Okay:(


She bbm-ed Abdullah and kindly asked him to pick her up as soon as possible. Abdullah replied quickly and told her that he was at a Dewanya nearby and that he would be there in less than 5 minutes.

She excused herself and decided to wait for him outside. As soon as she stepped outside and made sure the door was locked, she broke down crying. It hurt her, the way her mother yelled at her. It hurt her how everyone was treating her like an outsider. It hurt her, the way she missed her mother but couldn't admit it.


Abdullah's car came into view and she quickly wiped away her tears with the back of her hand. She got into the car and Abdullah turned off the radio once he noticed her smudged eyeliner. "Rayoun shfeech? Sh9ar?" he asked, very concerned about her. He thought that by forcing her to go, it would help bring her and her mother back together. But he thought wrong.


Rayan cried silently the whole ride back home. She ignored Abdullah's question. She kept dodging his attempts at igniting a conversation until he parked the car infornt of her house. She tried to get out but the doors were locked, she turned to look at Abdullah. "Maku nazla lma tgouliley sh9ar." he said. She forced a smile. "Deg 3la omey ou es'alha sh9ar. Al7een betba6el wla shloun?" she said and Abdullah unlocked the doors.

She rushed upstairs and into her room and locked the door behind her.She anticipated to hear Hamad's voice, telling her everything will be Oki. She desperately needed him. She needed him to whisper his comforting words through the phone. She needed him to work his magic and make her smile.


She dialed his number and pressed her phone against her ear, her tears started streaming down her cheecks but she kept wiping them. "Alooo?" a soft girly voice said through the phone and Rayan was left speechless. She pulled the phone and away and read the contact ID again, making sure it was Hamad. And it was positive. She remained silent. "Aloo?" the girl said again and then innocently chuckled.


-
Cliffhanger? LOL I love it.
Same deal, the more comments I see, the sooner I post.:p

Confessions.38

A huge thank you to everyone who takes the time to comment and send me direct feedback. Honestly, your comments keep me going.
Silent readers, speak up please.:p


-

"Nemtay?" he whispered through the phone and her lips curled into a smile. She kept her eyes shut, too tired to open them up. "Rayounaa?" he whispered again, his sleepy voice now became Rayan's favorite sound. "Ma3ak." she said in a hush, when all she has been doing for the last hour was concentrate on his voice, his laugh and the times when he would laugh at his own jokes and she would laugh along.


"3ayaraaa." he said, his voice rising into a teasing tone. Rayan chuckled slightly. As tired as she was, she didn't want to hang up. "7abeebtey tabeen asedah 3ashan tnameen?" he asked, and Rayan replied with a no. "Ba3th el'nas 3endhum madresa bacher waakk." he teased and Rayan giggled, "chub." she said.


"Enzain gouliley shetsaween bel'thanaweya?" he asked, trying his best to create a conversation that would involve Rayan talking and him listening. Because at this point, her voice was the most feminine one he has come across.


"Arge9." she said sarcastically and Hamad chuckled loudly. "Wallah ye6la3 menich hal'ga6at elbaykhaa." he said jokingly. "Te3alamt menik." Rayan said as she caused him to chuckle, and it filled her with joy. "Gad'haaa?" he asked in a threatening tone. "Laa laaa  khala9 atghashmar wallah." Rayan said as she giggled uncontrollably.


After a moment of silence, Hamad spoke up. "7abeebtey 6ala3tey makhaga." he said. Rayan chuckled as she asked him to shut up. "Entay ma 3endich ghair chub? Kela chub chub chub. Khala9 yubaa basket zain." he said and remained silent.


"Laaa yallah 3ad Hamad tekfaa." she said with a chuckle, but still no word from Hamad. "7amouud?" she called, and all she got in return was silence. "Yallah 3aad heyyy." she begged but Hamad was stronger than that. "Khala9 3ayal yallah good night." she said, pulling of a great act of being pissed.


Hamad went quiet for a minute, and then the familiar upbeat of a song Rayan liked started playing. She sheepishly smiled as Hamad chuckled, "Yebt rasech wla ma yebtah? Ma 3endna banat yez3louun 3alaina ou ynamouuun." he said jokingly and Rayan chuckled. "Kalb." she said as she asked him to turn up the volume.


The way you are by Bruno Mars was playing and they were both sheepishly smiling.
(Maney katba the lyrics cause I'm pretty sure everyone knows them:p)


Rayan fell asleep with a grin on her face, Hamad made her feel like she was worth it. And she loved him for that. Rayan longed to hear the 3 words from his lips, the words that would make her fall for him, stronger that ever.


Hamad hung up on her and lay awake. He kept thinking of Rayan and how she counted on him. He was the man in her life. He was the shoulder she needed for support. He was the person she wanted to run to, to mend all her scars and kiss all her pain away.


Scrolling through his bbm, a feeling of guilt ran through his veins and into his heart. To Rayan, Hamad was the only man in her life. And he knew it. But to him, Rayan was one of the "other" girls, but she didn't know it.


None of these girls made his heart beat a little faster. None of these girls curled his lips into a smile just by remaining silent. None of these girls ran to him and embraced the man in him.


After he had deleted almost all of the girls on his bbm list, he switched to twitter and started unfollowing the ones he knew Rayan wouldn't want him following. He stumbled upon her account and smiled at her tweets.

"I could hold you for a million years to make you feel my love."

"The reason I love you is you being you."

"You've already got me coming undone. And I'm thinking two is better than one."

"I keep building walls up but you tear them down.<3"

"I'm jealous, Okay?"


Her tweets gave her away, and he wondered if she tweeted them on purpose, for him to read. His smile only grew wider as he kept reading her tweets.


The next morning was a pleasant one, Rayan woke up and quickly got ready for school. She walked downstairs to find Abdullah fiddling with his Galaxy s3. "Morningggg" she yelled, her voice echoed and Abdullah smiled back at her. "Ekhthay gahwetech ou ta3alay bakalmech." he ordered and Rayan obeyed.


Rayan obeyed Abdullah out of respect, not fear. He always treated her like any other caring brother would treat his young sister, and how any other loving man would treat his woman.


"Sam" Rayan said and Abdullah chuckled. "Mu96ala7aat ydeedaa haa." he said and Rayan smiled, she remembered how Hamad always used that word and it gave her butterflies just thinking about it. "Shlounech ma3a omech?" he asked, and Rayan was caught off guard. "Shdaraney 3anha. Mabey akalemha." she said and Abdullah balled his fists. "Shenu ma tabeen tkalmeenha? 3abaleh b'kaifech? Omech hathey!" he yelled.


"Enta shakuu?" she said, very taken aback. Abdullah was quiet, "El'youm betrou7een lzwara fahma?" he ordered. "Khair enshallah." she said under her breath as she got up. "Yallah emshay jedamey." he said in a cold tone as he held the door open for Rayan.


On the way to school, Rayan kept ignoring the lump in her throat. She hated this side of Abdullah. The side she rarely sees, but still scares her. She triggered his anger and now she has to put up with it.


-
As you read this, I'm working on Confessions.39 buutttt I will not be posting it until I get a good amount of feedback.
You make me feel like I'm posting for illiterate people:p

Confessions.37

This is for @Kibuki_. Happy late birthday LOL:p I love youu<3

-

The smell of pancakes and brewed coffee tickled her nostrills. she opened her eyes and found Abdullah sitting on one of the knotted chairs she had in her bedroom, with a plate in his hands and watching Grey's anatomy on the TV. "Aham shay enik 3azem rou7ek." she said as she stretched. He turned around, "El'nas tgoul 9aba7 el'khair. Mo kafu el'wa7ed ysaweelich pancakes." he said as he turned his head back to the TV screen. She chuckled, "Shda3wa enta ely msaweehum." she said. He turned his head back to her, "Mo ana ely gayelaha tsawey? Khala9 chub. Ou b3dain oush kesartay rgubtey." he said as he stuck out his tnogue.


"Enzain e6la3 bagoum aghasel ou albes." she said. Abdullah switched off the TV and got up as he carried his plate with him. "Lma tkhal9een t3alay ta7at ou yeebay aklech m3ach, bakalmech b'mawthou3." he said and then left the room.


Rayan pushed away the covers and froze for a moment. Her mind played flashbacks from last night and she smiled.

At a very late hour of the night, Rayan found herself tossing and turning, unable to sleep. She picked up her blackberry and scrolled down her timeline, and s certain tweet caught her eye. Hamad had tweeted saying "Can't sleep. #guilt.". With no hesitation, she dialed his number which she had memorized by heart and pressed the phone against her ear. She anticiapted hearing his voice, telling her he loves her and he doesn't want to be mad at her anymore.


He greeted her with his sleepy voice, the voice that made her melt everytime. "Laish mo nayma?" he asked and Rayan sighed. "Madrey, mo yayney noum." she said and Hamad sensed the hurt in her voice. "Thayeg khelgich?" he asked and a huge lump started foming in her throat. "Hamad.. mabeek t3a9eb wla tez3al 3alay. Please efhamney wallah mo met3awda 3ala hal'suwalef ou akhaf." she said and stopped to take a breath.


"7ayatey mo m3a9eb wla za3lan wallah! Bas khla9 la tabcheen 3shaney." he said, making her feel a lot better. She remained quiet, she was concentrating on his breathing, hoping it would make the tears go away. "Baba?" he said, his voice ever so soft and comforting. "Hlaa" she whispered. Hamad smiled, "I need you to trust me." he said, his english so fluent it made Rayan's heart melt. She sighed, "I trust you 7amoud wallah, bas akhaaf ya3ney I've never done these stuff." she said, her tears spilling down her cheeks against her own will.


"Tkhafeen mn shenu 7ayatey? Ana ma3ach, ana bakhaf 3alaich akthar mn ma entay tkhafeen 3la nafsech. " he said and Rayan's heart skipped a beat. He commenced the fluttering of butterflies in her stomache. She smiled and said: "I know."


"Ashoufech estanastay." Hamad randomly commented and she chuckled. "Mo kel youm nesma3 hal'kalam el7elu." she said  and Hamad laughed. "7ayatey entay tadreen eney lamma a3a9eb ma ashouf ely jedamey, ma 3alaih la tez3leen." he said and Rayan stopped him from continuing. "3adey ma 9ar shay." she whispered, but her heart ached every time she remembered his words.


She smiled to herself, her grin growing everytime she replayed his voice in her head. She changed into and oversized T-shirt and her sweat pants and walked downstairs with her plate and coffee.


"Akheeran! Sa3a?" Abdullah yelled from the living room. She turned around and smiled at him, "Haw shenu ba3ad ma aghasel?" she said.


Seated at the kitchen table, they were sitting across from each other. Rayan was scrolling through her bbm and reading random broadcasts, then she sighed when she read one in particular.

Zaina:
GIRLS! La tensoun elyoum elfitting 7ag roub eltakharuj!
Please be there or else you will be asiged to a random size.
We will be in Rayan alx's place from 4 to 8 o'clock.
Adress: ....................
Please broadcast this to your fellow classmates, seniors only!
See you there:D


"Shfeech sh3endich?" Abdullah asked while stuffing his mouth with pancakes. "Elyoum elbanat beyoun 3shan elkhaya6 yakheth maqasat'hum." she said as she mixed some sugar with her now cold latte. "Maqasat shenu ba3ad?" Abdullah asked, furrowing his brows. She chuckled at the expression on his face, "7ag roub el'takharuj." she said.


"Eeeehh ta3aaal entay akher senaa haaa!" Abdullah exclaimed, his voice louder than usual. Rayan's face was blank, "Mn 9ejik? Tetghashmar 9a7?" she asked. "Shdaraney ba3ad nesait." he said with a chuckle.


But Rayan didn't know that he had her memorized. He remembers everything she tells him, even the little things about her. Like how she hates letting her hair down for school. Or if she's wearing her hair in a messy bun, it means she's not having the best day. He also knew her favorite shade of blue, and her favorite brands. He took mental pictures of her everytime she smiled. To Abdullah, loving her has become second nature now. It was the best feeling in the world. He woke up everyday with her name on his mind. He thought about ways to prove that his love was pure and true.


"3baaid!" she said, interruting his thoughts. "Ma3aaaachhhh!" he said, acting as if he was listening carefully. "Enzain fa enta gbl elsa3a 4 b'shway rou7 foug 3shan elbanat yakhthoun ra7at'hum." she said as she picked up her plate and placed it in the sink. "Khala9 Oki, bas nadeeney awal ma ykhal9oun." he said as he got up too.


By the time the clock striked 4, the girls were already gathering in her house. She had changed into a navy summer dress from Juicy couture and paired it with her grey colored flats.  Zaina was the first to arrive wearing a purple button down top with her floral pants.


Girls started streaming through the front door and creating mini convos with each other. Everyone was greeting Rayan and complimenting the beautiful interior of the living room. Rayan had called a catering company earlier that day and asked for servants for juice and snacks.


It was getting very crowded and girls were smiling, everyone was excited about the ceremony and Rayan had briefly explained what they had in mind to the girls. Everyone was impressed and they expressed confidence in her.


She looked around, surrounded by people. Her own classmates, her friends. Yet she still felt alone. At times like these, moments that should she should be enjoying, she would find herself missing Jenan the most. She couldn't help but wish she was still around. She wished she was by her side.


She started getting flashbacks from a night she had spent with Jenan...

They were having a sleepover at Jenan's place. Jenan was tucked in her bed, while Rayan was sitting on one of the corners of the bed. "Ga3daa at2azam mn al7een. Maley khelg emti7anat." Jenan said and Rayan sighed in agreement. "I can't wait til we graduate!" Jenan said with an anticipating smile on her face. Rayan smiled, "It'll be the best day ever." she said and Jenan nodded.


If only she was still around, she thought. She closed her eyes and begged the tears away. She was not looking forward to it. She wanted Jenan to be there with her so badly, she almost wished she was dead instead, so that way she wouldn't have to attend, alone.


She wiped away the tears and picked out Zaina's face from the crowd. She sighed as the tears began strangling her again. Zaina approached her but Rayan cold heartedly walked past her and ran to the stairs, she turned around to find Zaina still in the same spot.


Her legs carried her up the stairs but she couldn't take it anymore. She never knew that missing someone can drain all her energy. She sat on top of the stairs and hugged her knees. Tears streamed and she left them there, flowing down her cheecks as she tried her best to stop thinking of the past.


"Rayan, shfeech?" Abdullah asked, his voice seemed a bit distant and almost like a whisper, but in mere seconds, Rayan felt his flesh next to hers. She cried even harder, because he reminded her so much of her. His compassion, his kindness and the tone in his voice, it all brought back the memory of Jenan.


"Rayan 6a3eeney." he said as he stepped down and kneeled forward towards her. Rayan peeked at him with gleamy eyes. Abdullah's heart twisted with pain, he hated seeing her like this. "Heyy heyy la tabcheen... gouliley shfeech." he said as he moved back and sat next to her again. She sobbed and sobbed and coudln't find the words to speak. He felt powerless.


He wished he could carry all the pain and guilt she carried on her shoulders and place them on his own. He knew what she felt, cause he felt it too.


Abdullah didn't hesitate to wrap and arm around her shoulder, but surprisingly, Rayan threw her head into his chest and covered her face. He soon wrapped his other arm around her and she was covered by his manly figure.


Holding her in his arms commenced the best feeling of joy. He felt the joy of a child when he finds the final piece to a puzzle and that piece fits perfectly. He felt his word start to mend, all because she was right there, on his chest. He embraced her, and she slowly started to renovate everything that was broken. She filled up the holes Jenan's loss left. She turned his grey into pretty shades of colors. She did al that, without even knowing.


She started to pull away and he loosened his grip around her. She wiped her tears away and her eyeliner was smudged. All the pain she felt showed through her streams of smudged mascara lines. She took a deep breath, avoiding eye contact with Abdullah.


"Laa tabcheen, 3ashaney." he whispered and she exhaled. "Maagder. Fehmouneyy tekfoun, 3abalkum 3adey? 3abalkum sahalat ou ma feha shay?"  she said as she choked with another lump in her throat. "7aas fech wallah! Adrey ena shay ythayeg el'khelg 7ail. Ou kel ma sawaitay shay tetmanain enha tkoun m3ach. Tetmanainha mawjouda 3shan teth7ak m3ach 3la el'ashya2 el'sakheefa ely kela teth7koun 3laiha. Ou tabchey m3ach 3la el'aflam el'baykha ely t7ebounha. Ou te6la3 m3ach ou tet7al6am m3ach. Ou  tethgha6 ely ma t7beenhum ou tougaf m3ach. Ou takheth hdoumech ou tetnajeroun 3laihum." he said and Rayan unwillingly chuckled.


"Tara 7ta ana, sa3at ared el'bait ou afged 7es'ha. Maku a7ad yestajwebney ou yes2alney wain arou7 ou wain ared. Maku a7ad yjabelney 3al'akel ou yakel ne9 flousey. Maku a7ad yga3edney mn 9ba7 allah khair ygouley 9akerley sa7ab el'nafnouf." he said and then took a deep breath.


Rayan wanted to break the silence, "We can do this together." she said and Abdullah smiled at her. "Adrey ena 9a3eb bas abeech tshedeen 7ailech ou tetkharejain 3ashaney. Ou abeech trou7een 7aflat el'takharuj ou entay raf3a rasech ou mebtasma. Ou abeech tdsheen el'jam3a ely entay ou Janoun theba7touna feha ely nesait esimha." he said. "UCL." she said with a cuckle and Abdullah smiled.


"Eeeh ka the7kay 6a3 sh7elwich! Mo 7elu 3alaich l'dmou3 ou el'theega. Abeech kela mebtasma." he said with a smile on his face.


That night, after everyone had already left, and after she made sure that Abdullah was asleep, she pulled out her notebook and her pen and started writing. Because times like these, she didn't want  to play Confessions, afraid Abdullah might hear her.


What she wrote went like this:


Whoever said death was the hard part was wrong, because realizing your gone and that I will never feel your arms around me again is the hard part. I miss you when something really good happens, because you're the only one I want to share it with. I miss you when something is troubling me, because you're the only one who understands me so well. I miss you when I laugh and cry, because I know that you are the one that will make my laughter grow and my tears disappear. Truth be told, I miss you all the time. But I miss you the most when I lay awake at night and reminisce all the good times we spent together for those were some of the best and memorable times of my life.

But do you know what? Missing you somehow gets easier everyday, because even though it is one day farther from the last time we've seen each other, it is one day closer to the next time we will. I have come to know that there is no such thing as good bye when it comes to you. Because no matter where you are, you will always be in my heart.

Our souls are connected, always have and always will be.

I miss you more than anyone else does. Visit me in my sleep, will you?

-
As promised, its super long:p.
Feedback?x

Confessions.36

She said her cold good bye to her father, and threw herself on the nearest couch to the door. Her eyes avoided Hamad's, and he seemed to do the same. No smiles, nothing. Rayan's thoughts carried her away, and she drifted into a storm. She was unsure of her feelings. Were they emotions of emptiness because her father is now gone? Or were they anger and shots of pain because of Hamad's words, slicing into her chest? Or were they feelings of being misplaced, like no one will ever understand her, her feelings, her sorrows and her fragile heart and mind?


Rayan unwillingly cried herself to a nap on the couch, unaware of her uncomfortable position. An hour later, she was awakened by the soft touch on her shoulder, and a voice mumbling her name. Her eyes forced themselves open to see Abdullah standing in front of her, in his deshdasha and messy hair. "Shfeech? Laish nayma hney? Fech shay?" he showered her with questions out of concern. She rubbed her eyes like a child and a smile was drawn on Abdullah's face. "Shfeek?" she asked as she stretched, and Abdullah's smile turned into a grin. "Shenuuu?" she whined and he chuckled this time. "Wala shay, bas 7asaitech yahel." he said and Rayan just smiled.


"You3anaa?" Abdullah asked as he placed his ghetra on the couch, and Rayan nodded. "Tewaqa3t. Yebtlich pizza." he said. Rayan got up and stretched again. "Chan zain ysawoun jehaz  ymaq6ek ou khala9." she said randomly and Abdullah chuckled. "Yal3ayouz t3alay eklay ou bas." he said and they both chuckled.


After dinner, Abdullah threw himself on one of the couches in the living room. "Tabey ayeeblik mn hdoum obouy 3shan tbbadel?" Rayan asked before sitting down across from him. "Laaa yubaa thakarteeney t3alaayy bagralech she3er 9arlah cham youm y7ous b'mukhey." Abdullah said and Rayan smiled. "Allaah radait takteb!" she exclaimed happily and Abdullah smiled at her. "3aaad ne6reeney adesh bel'mazaj" he said and Rayan chuckled. "Yallaah pleaasseee." she said, pulling off her puppy eyes that always worked, always.


Abdullah got up as he ran his hand through his hair. Clearing is throat, he burst into laughter. "Laa tkhezeeney chthey." he said as he caused her to chuckle. "Wallah 7adey mestansaa mn zmaan mo sam3tek talqey she3er." she said and Abdullah smiled.


Taking a deep breath, he pulled out a piece of paper. His eyes started reading but his mouth wouldn't open. He looked up at Rayan, "Shrayech tegrainah? Maley khelg agoul." he said as he sighed along with a slight chuckle. Rayan let out a breath as she got up and grabbed the paper. "Shfeek ya3ney mest7ey?" she said and they both burst into laughter. "Enshallah ma ast7ey menich, entay wa7ed mn el'rabe3." he said, and Rayan smacked his arm. "Sheftay shlouun!" he said and she laughed again.


She sat cross legged on the couch and started reading...

دعــي عينيــك تخبرني عن الدنيـــا وما فيــها

وكيف الرمش يحفظـها وكيف الدمــع يرويـها

وكيف السحــر يسكنها ويسبــــح في مآقيــها

ففي عينيـــك أغنيـــــة أعبـــر عن معانيــــها

تحرك غــــــــادة الفكـر فأنهـــل من أراضيــها

وأصنـــع حولـها سوراً علي جنــــــات واديها

ولـو كـــل الذي صغــت من الفكــــر لأرويـــها

تفتــــت في ربا الكــون حناناً سوف يسقيـــها

جمال الله فــــي الأرض تجســـد في أراضيــها

دعوني أبدع الوصـــف لعــل الوصـف يحكيها

دعوني أنشـــــد الشعـر وألزمه نواصيــــــــها

وأرسم صــورتي فيــها وأغزل من قـوافيـــها

والثــــــم أية الحســــن ربيعاً طل من فيـــــها

وأصبح رغــم عن أنف هواءاً سابحاً فيـــــها

فأسلكــها علي شغـــف وأرتــــع في بواديـها

وأسعــــد أنني صـــرت وقــــوداً كي يغـذيـــها

كــــــأن الله أهلكــــــني وبعثي حين أفديــــــها

فمن منكـــــم علي عـلم بما في سحـــر ناديـها

بها صـــدر علي خصـر سيهلكـــــني وينجيـها

فكيـــــف الله يحـــرقها وآيـــة خلقـــــه فيــها

بها ثغر إذا ابتـسمــــت ذكـــــرت الله باريــها

بديع الصنـــــع ستـرها بأنــــوار تغطـيــــــها

ولـــولا الله يأمـــــــره لخــاف المـوت يأتيها

(I own nothing. Credit goes to its rightful owner)


"Ambeh 3ajeeeeeeb." she said as she looked up to look at Abdullah. "9ej?" Abdullah asked, his face lighting up with a huge smile. "Eeh 7ail! 3baaaid akhaff 7abait mn warayyy!" Rayan said, teasing him. "Laa wain bo 7amoud ana law a7eb ent awal wa7ed agoulah." he said and Rayan threw the cushion at him. "Sheftay el'defasha? Ou tloumeeney?" he said and she didn't hesitate to aim another cushion at him.

"Haaa 7ag menu 3ayaal?" she asked, winking dramatically at him. He roared with laughter, "6a3 hathey! Mo anaa 3baid ely atkharfan ou akteb she3er 7ag wa7da! Ana ma tkharfenneyy ela el'waldaa." he said and Rayan laughed.


They spent the remaining of the night fooling around, and being the same Rayan and Abdullah they always were.


Abdullah had his own charm. His smile was like a light in the window, that tells her that there is a caring person inside. His presence helped her forget about all the pain she carried in her chest and she just smiled. He helped her overcome the difficulties of being without Jenan, and at the same time, he overcame his own.


But Rayan didn't know that he felt his heart skip a beat when she told him the poet was good. He wondered if she knew it was about her, or if she knew that she was his inspiration, his source of joy. To him, loving her was like drowning in a tub full of honey. It was suffocatingly sweet.


Did you ever fall for someone you know you shouldn't?
Try hard to fight your feelings, but you just couldn't?
You fall deeper with each passing day, But try to hide it in every possible way.
She's only a friend, and nothing else...
That's the lie you keeping telling yourself.
You keep on saying she's just a bud, But deep inside, you're falling in love.
You get so giddy when you meet her eyes, But keep reminding yourself it isn't right.
A simple glance turns into a stare, But you pretend that you don't care.
It's not right for you two to be. Is that why you hide it so no one can see?
But how long will you pretend? Keep lying that she's just a friend?
Perhaps your feelings you can never show.
Perhaps it's wrong for her to know.
Your friendship can't be risked over this,
So being her man is an impossible wish...


-
Short? If it is, then I'm sorry.:p
feedback?

Confessions.35

35 already? Wow. I have so much more in mind for the story. Let's hop it lasts up to 75:p
I'm extremely happy today, don't you just love it when everything goes as planned?:D
Enjoy this!

-
She was sitting in the living room with her father across from her. She was texting her friends while eyeing her father, afraid he might leave without saying goodbye. She sensed the tension, her father was mad but she didn't know why. For a couple of seconds, she wondered if he found out. But that was impossible, no one knows.


"Baba..." she said softly, waiting for a reaction. Her father put his phone down, "T3alay 7abeebtey." he said as he pat the empty space next to him. Rayan smiled, her smile growing as she got closer. She sat down next to him and instantly threw herself into his arms. Embracing the warmth of his touch, his arms feeling like towers over her. "Mo qa9dey a3a9eb 3alaich, bas entay tadreen eney mathghou6 ba3ad baba may9eer tez3leen." he said while stroking her hair. Tears steamed down her face, and she felt blessed to have him as her father. She thanked god a million times before letting go to kiss his forehead. "3asaney man7erem." she said as she gave him a warm smile.


"Enzain goulay baba shenu tabeen mn London?" he said before Rayan walked out of the room. She turned around and gave him a huge grin, they both chucked. "I'll e-mail them to you b3dain Oki?" she said. "Laa tkhaleeney arou7 60 alf mukan!" he warned her and they both chuckled again.


"Madrey ya3ney ana adezlik ou enta yeeb ely tegdar 3alaih" she said as she giggled. Her father opened his mouth to speak but was interrupted by a phone call.


"Aloo hala Hamad."
"Eeh khale9 ana bas na6rek."
"6ayarteyy allah ysalmek el'sa3a 7."
"Laa? Yallah khala9 3ayal al7een a6la3lek. Tdel el'bait enta ha?"
"Oki yallah ashoufek."

Her father's words left her with a questioning look. She wanted to ask him who has calling? Was it HER Hamad? But she didn't want him to get suspicious. She decided to ask Hamad instead.

Rayan:
Wainek?

Hamad:
Outside.:p

Rayan:
La jad, wain?

Hamad:
6elay mn dreeshatkum:p


Yes, it felt like a twisted Arabian version of Romeo and Juliet, but it was her story to live and she enjoyed it.  She turned to look at her father, "Kel shay ma3ak?" she asked him one last time. Her father nodded as he opened his arms for her one last time. "Deeray balech 3la nafsech ha? Ana kalamt 3baid ou wa9aitah 3laich, ohwa enshallah by7awel yeg3ad 3endich." her father said. And she didn't know whether she should feel happy or annoyed. She felt like she was betraying Hamad's trust, especially because she knew how jealous he was.


"Yuba ag3ad m3ah brou7ey?" she asked, acting surprise. Emphasising that is was traditionally wrong. Her father looked at her weirdly, "Eeeh shenu ya3ney? Bel3aks Abdullah khoush wa7ed ou b7esbat wa7ed mn 3yaley! Ou ana ma geltlah ela le2ana ana adrey enich terta7ainlah ou ma7ad ywansech ghairah!" he said. Rayan kept quiet. Her father's phone rang again, except she smiled this time.


"Hala 7amoud."
"Eeeh khale9 yuba shfeek!"
"Enzain yallah al7een a6la3lek."
"Eeh ya3ney shloun ma asalem 3la benty?"
"Yallah thewaney."

He ended the phone called and slipped his iphone inside his pockets. He picked up his luggage and headed toward the door and Rayan accompanied. Her father opened the door to find Hamad standing there, giving them his back with his hands in the pocket of his jeans.


Rayan stared at him. His height and posture left her breathless. Hamad quickly turned around and was caught off gaurd. "El'salam." he said as he extended his arm to grab hold of Faisal's bags. Rayan's father gave him the bags and asked how he was. "Tmam el7emdillah 3amey, Rayan entay shlounech?" he politely asked and Rayan blushed. "Tmam el7emdillah." she said, not looking directly into his eyes. She never felt this shy when she around him and it felt weird. "Dgeega 3amey bas a7e6hum bel'sayara." Hamad said as he literally sprinted towards his car and placed Faisal's bags inside. He felt Rayan eyeing him.


He turned around and they shared a moment, she smiled shyly as she looked away. "Jawazek ma3ak?" Hamad asked as he stood a few steps away from Rayan and her father. Her father smacked his forehead, "Nesaitah foug, degayeg al7eeb ayeebah." he said as he rushed inside. Rayan kept an eye on him until he disappeared from view.


"Hey." he whispered in her ear and she shivered a bit. She smiled at him, "Hathey el'surprise?" she asked in almost a whisper. Hamad gave her a confident smile, "Shrayech? Gelt dam obouch bysafer, nrou7 net3asha barra." he said, and Rayan's stomach did a little twist. She didn't want to be seen out in public with him.


Yes, Rayan was seen in public with her male cousins and even Abdullah. But this time, it felt completely wrong. What if someone she knew saw her? Worse yet, what if one of her relatives saw her?


"Laa Hamad magdar." she said nervously. "Laish!" Hamad exclaimed, and Rayan kept silent. "Ana badesh 3shan obouy la yshek." she said, looking at the ground. "Keifech 6agag." Hamad said and he turned around to walk to his car. Rayan stood there, watching him walk to his car, and her heart was crushed to pieces.


Why did he have to be so mean? So cruel and cold. He broke her down into pieces, but managed to put her together with just one word. She felt so easy and she hated it.


-
Please understand that I didn't want to break a promise and I forced myself to write this, but I'm stopping here because of this headache invading my brain.
Feeback?