Confessions.42

Let me clarify one thing: What you're reading right now is a flashback. I'm narrating a memory over here. Go back to the first chapter and re-read it before attacking me, sheesh. And don't rush things, everything will be crystal clear as I go on with the story.

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She got into the car with flushed cheeks and a crooked smile on her face. "Ha estanastay?" Abdullah asked as he started driving out of the parking lots. Rayan sighed, recalling the events, "Wayed." she said as she grinned. "Ma sharaitay shay?" he asked her, noticing that she had no bags in her hand. "La ma legait shay." she said, choosing the first excuse that pops into her mind. Abdullah nodded, "Shfeeh chthey wayhech? Shda3wa chthey mestansa." he said, almost getting suspicious. Rayan's palms started sweating, "Haw shenu ya3ney ma astanes?" she said and Abdullah only gave her an awkward stare. "9ayra mo 6abe3eya." he mumbled to himself but Rayan decided to ignore him.


She noticed that Hamad had bbm-ed her saying he wanted to talk to her before she slept, and Rayan only grinned with a shy expression on her face. "La jad entay fech shay!" Abdullah exclaimed a little too loudly. "Enta shfeek? Ya3ney shfeeney mathalan! Ma y9eer ath7ak ou astanes? estaghferallah." she said and gave Abdullah a look that told him to lay off her.


She entered the house and rushed upstairs, her father had a questioning look on her face because she didn't greet him the way she always did. Abdullah walked in behind her and closed the door forcefully. "Huh! Sh9ayer yuba sh9ayer?" Faisal asked as he got up, showing how very suspicious he was. "Shdaraney 3anha! Madrey shloun 9ayra!" Abdullah said, waving his hands in the air indicating that he was very pissed. "Shesalfa?" Faisal asked as he noticed Rayan coming down the stairs. She ignored his question and walked into the kitchen to get herself a bottle of cold water.


"Ehia madrey shloun 9ayra! Entay ma3a menu 6al3a?" Abdullah said, directing the question straight at Rayan before she could climb up the stairs. She turned to glare at Abdullah, "Shqa9dek?" she asked as she walked to where they were standing. Faisal was about to speak but Rayan spoke first, "La7tha la7tha. Gouley gouley shqa9dek." Rayan said, her voice rising out of pure anger. "Entay fahma shqa9dey! Ou la t9arkheen la kaff!" Abdullah shouted and Faisal had a very doubtful expression on his face.


"Sh9ayer?" Her father asked, and they both went quiet. Abdullah picked up his phone and his cigarette pack and said: "Ana barou7 3ashan akhaleech tgoulinlah ma3a menu kentay 3end elbawaba." before walking towards the door and shutting it forcefully behind him again.


"Shesalfa yuba! Sh9ayer shemsawya entay?" he father asked as he turned to look at her. Rayan broke down crying. Guilt ran through her veins and spread all around her body, and her mind kept telling her that neither Abdullah nor her father would ever forgive her for what she has done. She knew it was wrong, she knew it wasn't the kind of thing Rayan was raised to do. But she still did  it, because her heart told her no other.


She cried until she ran out of tears, and her father only sat next to her. A million things running through his mind but he didn't want to believe any. "Rayan. La tgouleen..." he asked and Rayan interrupted him with a nod. "Eeh yuba eeh. Ana kalamt wa7ed ou 7abaita ou 6ala3t m3ah ou sawait kel ely enta rabaitney 3ala enah ghala6." she said, all in one breath and then hugged her knees a little bit tighter and continued crying.


An expression of disappointment washed over her father's face and it only killed her to notice it. He stiffened in his place, and then got up as he started to mumble a few prayers to himself. "Atmana enich t3adleen mn seloukech. Ou lei ma t9al7een elkha6a2 ely sawaiteeh, la entay bentey wala a3arfech." he said and then continued walking his way to his room.


Rayan knew that the blame was hers to take. She pulled herself together and walked up to her room, she noticed that her phone was ringing and the caller ID read "Hamad.". Her heart only ached more but she had no other decision but to reply.


She picked it up as she pressed the phone against her ear. Hamad heard her sobs very clearly and was alarmed. "Rayan?" he said, but her sobs were too loud for him to play stupid. "Rayouna shfeeech? Sh9ayer?" he asked,, Rayan refused to speak. After a few minutes of silence, Hamad put the pieces to the puzzle together.


"La tgoulin fe a7ad shafna." he said, his voice full of fear. "Eeh." she said in between sobs and Hamad only felt scared for her. "Rayan la t'thaygeen khelgich 7abeebtey 3ashaney. Gouliley shenu tabeeney asawey ou ana mest3ed." Hamad whispered, his words soothing all the pain. "Hamad, akalmek b3dain." she said and then hung up on him instantly. His voice only made her feel a little too guilty and she couldn't bare listening to it.


She was still in her clothes, the ones she wore to 360. And her eyeliner was smudged. Her mascara lines ran down along with her tears and she didn't bother wiping them away.


She took of her clothes, as if they were burning her skin and put on something she had from Jenan. The clothes they always shared and never gave back. She cried a little harder, knowing her friend would have been very let down if she was still here. She managed to pull out a scarf, even though her tears were blurring her vision and wrapped it around her eyes. She sat down on the cold floor, her back pressed against wall.


"I don't even want to look at myself right now. I can't help but feel disgusted with myself. I'm so sorry Jenan. I need you right now. I can't even keep myself on the right path anymore. I feel so cheap and easy and just.... I can't take it. I see you everywhere. I hear your voice in my head instead of my own. I miss having your shoulder to lean on. I miss you scolding me and then hugging me. I need you to teach me right from wrong. Its so hard now without my mom. And my father hates me. I can't do this anymore. The pain only grows with every passing day. I can't take it anymore. Abdullah hates me too. I need him so much right now. But I know I let him down. He respected me, he cared for me. But I screwed it up. It hurts too much. Its hard to deal with the fact that you're gone, and never coming back. Why? Why you and not me? I don't deserve to live. I need you to hold me in your arms, take the pain away and tell me this is all just a test. I need to hear your voice, your laugh, because it reminds me how nothing is worth our tears. I don't want to feel this way anymore. Are you looking down upon me right now? You're not proud of me, are you? I know, I'm ashamed of myself. I never thought I would need you this much. I knew it was going to be hard, but I never imagined it to be like this. It burns like a hole in my heart. Every piece of my heart aches for you. Everything I do, right or wrong, reminds me of you. What hurts the most? Is knowing that no matter how much I hurt, no matter how hard I cry, I'll never get to see you again. I'll never get to hear your voice again. I'll never get to make you laugh again. And I'll never get to feel your arms around me again. And that kills me every time I think about it. I miss you."


She said and them calmed down a little. She knew what she had to do, and that was exactly what she as going to do.