Confessions.43

This post goes out for @twistintimex and @nevertrusthim. I love the support and feedback I get from you guys:(

-

She found herself awake on her bed, tossing and turning and unable to sleep. She knew what she had to do. She was obliged to do it. But she had no guts whatsoever. In the darkness, she picked her blackberry and the lighting blinded her eyes temporarily. She read the clock, 4:51. Her fingers glided over the touch screen and she clicked on the bbm application. Neither Abdullah nor Hamad have updated their statuses or changed display pictures. Rayan was worried about Abdullah, he would go to very far distances. And she knew what he was capable of.


She opened a new blank chat with Abdullah. Her fingers danced along the buttons on her keyboard, her mind told a million lines and apologies, her heart cried out in pain, but the courage was nowhere to be found. She found herself typing several paragraphs full of "I'm sorry" and "I know you hate me" and then deleting them all, settling back at square zero. After a long dreadful 15 minutes of thinking and organizing thoughts, she settled with the long speech she had typed.


Rayan:
Hey. Abdullah wallah madrey shagoulek.I know you have every right to hate me, I feel so guilty, ashamed. Adrey ena ely sawaitah ghala6, 9adegney I'm so sorry. Gouley shloun I can fix  this ou aw3edik asawey ely tabeeh. 3aboud wallah asfaa jad. Madrey shloun rethait'ha 3ala nafsey.Bas madrey. 7ail 7asait eney thay3a. Ou madrey shloun ana kalamtah wallah 3baid madrey. Forgive me?:( 3abadbad:(?


As soon as she sent that message, she kept staring at it for a few seconds, not believing she had finally gathered up the strength to do it. She noticed that Abdullah had read the message and instantly tossed her phone away. She buried her face into her pillow and screamed. She knew Abdullah had replied, and her stomach twisted just thinking about what he might have said.


After talking herself into it, she picked up her blackberry again and, with shaky fingers, opened up her conversation with Abdullah. His reply wasn't as long as her first message, but it was exactly what she needed.


Abdullah:
Ga3ed 7ag el9alat. Awal shay ana ma akrehech. Musta7eel akrehech Rayan 7awlay testaw3ebain ana laish ga3ed asawey chthey. 3abalech mo khayef 3alaich? 3abalech ana astanes lma ashoufech ga3da hal 7aza ou adrey enech bachya bachey sena eb sa3a? 3al aqal entay estaw3abtay shenu ghal6etech before its too late. Wallah kel hatha 7ag ma9la7tech..



As she read it, she could almost hear his voice say those words out loud. She could almost imagine the anger in his voice and the pained expressions on his face. Surprisingly, she stopped crying after that. Deciding to get up and pray, she rubbed her eyes and blinked repeatedly, feeling like they were almost dried out.


On the other hand, on the other side of the problem, Abdullah was sitting in the garden in the backyard of their house. He was smoking his lungs out, with nothing on his mind but the image of Rayan in the arms of another man. Jealousy raged inside him. It started the fire inside him, he pictured the warmth of her touch, the comfort of her giggle and everything he fell in love with, go to waste with another man who will never appreciate them.


He was smoking his 3rd cigarette when his mother walked outside to him, "3abdullah 7abeebey shfeek?" she asked as she pulled a chair and sat  across from him. "Ma feeney shay yuma la t7ateen." he whispered as he put out the cigarette. "7abeebey la tkhesh 3an umek, gouley shelly mthaygek." she whispered and only hoped her son would open up to her "Yuma bas2elich su2al ou jawbeeney bedoun ma tes2leeney laish ou sh7aga ou menu. Bafahmech kel shay b3dain enzain?" he said and he felt nervous to finally say it out loud.


"Enshallah 7abeebey bas gouley." she said as she extended and arm to hold his hand, she smiled and wrinkles started to form on her face. Abdullah chuckled, "Etha geltlich abech takh6beenly wa7da, betwafqeen? 7ata law ehia 9gheera?" Abdullah asked hesitantly. His mothers face lit up, "Hathey elsa3a lmbareka 7abeebey! Wanastney wallah, ou ana a7atey agoul yemkin ma yfaker yetzawaj." she said and they both chuckled.


Abdullah remained silent with a smile on his face. "Bas laish 9gheera? Abdullah 7arram 3alaik la takheth wa7da tawha 9gheera 3al zawaj. Tara mas2uleya mo le3ba." she said and then watched the smile on her son's face slowly fade away. "Yuma ehia 3agelha kbeer. Ou ana khayef akhserha wla trou7 3alay! Ga3ed a7es enha ga3da t'thee3 mney. Tekfain yuma, abeeha." he said, his eyes staring into his mothers and she smiled. "Rayan?" she asked, as if she read it written all over his face.


Abdullah shivered at the mention of her name. "Eeh yuma Rayan." he said and scratched the back of his neck out of frustration. His mother smiled at him, "Khala9 rou7 nam ou ma y9eer kha6rek ela 6ayeb." she said as she got up. Abdullah stood up too and wrapped his arms around his mother, "3asaney man7erem menich." he said after planting a kiss on her forehead.


-
The next morning, Abdullah woke up earlier than usual and headed to Rayan's place. He knew Rayan would skip school today so he went to get her a latte and her favorite sandwich from starbucks.


Rayan never slept that night, she lay on her bed with her eyes wide open. Guilt was eating her alive. When she heard the sound of her father's footsteps, making their way downstairs, she knew it was time to get up. She looked at the clock that read 7:41 am and sighed. Pushing away the covers, she exposed her bare long skinny legs to the coldness of the AC. She did her daily routine consisted of a quick shower and brushing her teeth and then made her way downstairs.


"9aba7 elkhair." she said to her father who had his mug of coffee placed in front of him and the newspaper in his hand. He didn't reply, he didn't even look at her. She let out a breathe and headed to the stairs. Just when she was about to climb the stairs and cry herself to sleep in her room, the door swung open and Abdullah walked inside.


She turned around to look at who was there and instantly smiled. Abdullah was struggling with the door, because he had 2 drinks, a sandwich and a cookie in hand. Rayan ran to him and helped him with the door. He smiled at her, even though every time he looked at her, the images of what he had seen earlier started forming in his head. Faisal only looked up at Abdullah and smiled half a smile.


Rayan led the way to her room and Abdullah followed quietly. As soon as the door was shut, Rayan started apologizing to Abdullah, and she felt like another breakdown was very close. "Shhhh! La tkhafeen, mo za3lan 3alaich." Abdullah said with a grin on his face, as he gave her her latte and the sandwich. Rayan smiled, "Thank you." she said in a hush tone but Abdullah didn't hear her.


"T7beenah?" Abdullah asked when they were both quiet. He looked up at her with eyes wishing she would shake her head and say no. But instead, Rayan nodded and said: "wayed.". Abdullah was hurt, Rayan was looking right through him. "Enzain laish bas fahmeeney laish?" he asked, trying his best to control his jealousy.


A tear trickled down Rayan's cheeks, and Abdullah automatically hated the man for making her cry and putting her through it. "Madrey... 7asaiatah ykhaf 3alay ou he cares about me. I need that, awal marra a7es fe a7ad  yghar 3alay ou y7ebney. A3tref, shu3our 7elu." she said and another tear followed.


She didn't notice that the man sitting in front of her loved her to death. Abdullah cared for Rayan like no one else ever did or will. He was jealous of the wind that would blow by and smell the scent of her perfume. Abdullah was jealous of her friends, that get to see her every day. But most importantly, Abdullah was jealous of Hamad, who managed to get Rayan the way Abdullah wished.


"Shbetsaween al7een?" Abdullah asked, he hoped she would tell him she ended it. Rayan was quiet, "Bastekheer." she said and Abdullah only nodded in returm. "Enzain Rayoun la testa3yelain 3ala shay. 9adgeeney btelgain ely y7ebech ou yqadrech. Ou hatha law 9ej y7ebech chan ma retha ye6la3 ma3ach ou ylemech. Ou law 9ej ykhaf 3alaich chan khaf 3ala sumetech, chan khaf 3alaich mthel ma ykhaf 3ala khawatah." Abdullah said before walking out, leaving the door half open.


Rayan was thinking about what Abdullah had said, but her thoughts were interrupted by the ringing of her phone. Hamad was calling, "perfect timing." she mumbled to herself and picked up the phone.


"Aloo?" she whispered and she heard Hamad sigh. "Entay wainech! Enshallah ma tkhaleeney a7ateech chthey!" he said and Rayan sighed. "Hamad khayfa." she whispered and Hamad was caught off guard. "7ayatey if you're scared what we're doing is wrong, we can make it right." he said and that was all Rayan needed to hear.


Hamad was surprised, he never thought he would offer that kind of thing for a girl. But Rayan was different, not all she needs to knows is if he is willing to go through with it, or if he's all talk.